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Effin TWW

27 Mar

I know I’ve been a bit absent over the last couple of days. Part of it was because I was genuinely busy, but the other part was about me retreating into myself for a bit and getting all OCD on my own ass (see yesterday’s post as the tip of the iceberg).

I seriously don’t know how you ladies manage it. Elphie, Court – every one of my readers who was/is TTC for months – I admire your strength. I don’t know how I’d be able to handle it. I’m seriously going batshit crazy. I spend all day doing the math in my head. Did it happen? How long ago? When the hell can I POAS already? I was talking about it with one of my Teaching Assistants today and she said – don’t worry – you only have a week to go. I smiled, nodded, and like, half an hour later I said – wait – what’s the date today? I don’t have a week! Yes. I was dwelling on the conversation for that long. I truly feel lucky for having it so easy thus far when it comes to sperm meeting egg. I don’t know if I could handle months of this feeling. Hats off to you guys, seriously.

BTW – Shmerson and I took heed of all of your comments yesterday. I gave Shmerson all of the HPTs in the house, and he will hide them until April 4th, AKA 10 DPO, two days before AF is due.

I’ve been taking in all of your warnings about being disappointed by a false BFN. But don’t worry, knowing me and my history, I will continue to POAS every morning until AF shows up or until I get a BFP. Disappointment will only come in the form of the red lady. She’s the only BFN I find reliable.

Because I think for me it’s not about the BFP.

It’s about getting the BFP over with already.

I know some of you ladies probably hate me for saying this. I’ve been looking at it from every which way – and I think that’s what it comes down to.

I want to be in the second trimester. NOW. The past few days I’ve been closing my eyes, imagining the worst-case scenario – another loss. Imagining how I would handle it. Knowing the support system I have in place, knowing everything I know now.

I would still break. I know I would break. And it would take me quite a while to put myself back together again.

So I keep thinking to myself, if I’m gonna have another loss, I want to get it over with. Like pulling off a band aid, or jumping into a freezing pool. I want to know. I want to control it.

I don’t know what I want.

Wait – I do. I want it to be April 4th.

Effin’ TWW.

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2 Responses to “Effin TWW”

  1. stacey March 27, 2011 at 20:27 #

    The TWW sucks alright.
    Can totally understand where you’re coming from. I would be the same if I ever was in your situation.

  2. Marie March 27, 2011 at 22:45 #

    Ok, so I only got 4 hours sleep last night, and a good friend got transfered to another store and I had to say goodbye to him today, so maybe I’m a little emotional. But you just made me cry.

    “I would still break. I know I would break. And it would take me quite a while to put myself back together again.”

    I don’t even know how you handled a second one, sweetie. I feel like if I have a SECOND loss, I will die. And Courtney, x1000. I don’t know how you are both so strong and amazing after what you’ve gone through. Just thinking about the possibility makes me want to literally hide under my bed and cry.

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