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The Blogosphere Pregnancy Announcement

21 Mar

I will start today with a video, dedicated to the lovely and amazing Elphie:

Her Eggo is Preggo! If you haven’t already, pop in and wish her a congrats on her BFP!

Which brings us to the topic at hand.

And just so there aren’t any questions here – I am going to be open and brutally honest, and I have already told Elphie about this post so you guys don’t have to worry about being open and honest here too. She’s cool with it. And she will be open and honest here too, if need be. This is what we’re here for, right?

Let’s start with my favorite topic: Me (see what I did there? I made a funny).

I kind of surprised myself today. I was truly fully and genuinely happy for Elphie (and also terrified – but we’ll get there in a bit) when I read about her BFP. There was not one hint of bitterness or jealousy. The only thing close to it was the thought that Shmerson and I had better get our asses in gear so I can do my best to catch up and she and I can freak out together. Because wouldn’t that be fun for us? Or terrible for us?

Or – well – terrible for everyone else?

Yeah. That’s the deal. This is what I want to really talk about. Some of us ladies communicate outside of the blogosphere (emails chats and the like), and there was this kind of “assumption” amongst us that I would most likely be the first BFP in the group, since my problems come after conception.

With that assumption, came a lot of feelings of fear and guilt on my end. Not just about the pregnancy itself, but about everyone’s reactions. I kind of talked about some of those here.

So , on some level, not only am I happy for Elphie, I’m kind of relieved that she’s the guinea pig here.

Now, I know that a lot of you that read my blog also read Elphie’s. And I’m sure that a lot of you have already left comments congratulating her and saying how happy you are for her and such.

My question to you is – how much of that is marred with sadness and jealousy? Did any of you grit your teeth while writing that happy comment?

I’m not asking this out of some sense of enlightenment, or to rain on Elphie’s parade, or to make you guys feel guilty,

or anything like that.

Just an honest inquiry. It’s inevitable, right? We get bitter about FB pregnancy announcements – I’m sure that at least some of you guys had the little green eyed monster rear its ugly head today when you read about Elphie’s news.

Like I said before – I came close, but more from a competitive standpoint.

Let me make my self perfectly clear here: I AM NOT JUDGING THOSE OF YOU THAT FELT JEALOUS OR SAD

It’s a completely legit feeling. I’m also assuming that some of you that felt sad/hurt/jealous also felt a bit guilty about that. Am I right?

S0 –  for those who did – maybe you could try another perspective? After all, you’re not going to stop reading her blog, and it would suck to read it with all of those mixed feelings. Here’s what I propose: Let Elphie’s BFP be a Havaya Metakenet for us. Let this be a preggo announcement to be truly happy about.

Let me start by putting a few of Elphie’s stats out there. She’s been TTC for the better part of two years. She’s had one miscarriage, which was a result of an ectopic pregnancy, which has caused a whole mess of problems for her. Her ectopic happened a year ago (right Elphs?) and she and Mr. M. have been TTC ever since.

That’s one year of heartbreak, charting, frustration and of course – the extra complications that come with possible endo and an ectopic.

And she’s not out of the woods yet. This BFP is AMAZING news but I know that she’s gonna start freaking out pretty soon, and won’t calm down until she sees a healthy heartbeat that’s nestled itself in the right place in her plumbing. Actually, she probably won’t calm down until the baby comes out alive and well  (Sorry for being so blunt  Elphie – but I know this isn’t news to you).

So yes. I was genuinely happy for her. Not one iota of bitterness. Because let’s face it – this amazing woman has gone through hell in the last year. She deserved some good news. And she’s got a bumpy road ahead.  And you know what ladies?

I don’t want to be in her shoes. I have no reason to be jealous.

Let me explain:

When I moved back to Israel from the States, a lot of people asked me why I was doing it. I answered “Because it’s better to live in your own shit than in other people’s.”

This is kind of a strange perspective on things, but this is truly how I see it.

We each have our own shit. Do we really want to be in other people’s shit? The answer: No. We are dealt what we can handle. And we handle it.

And that’s why I’m not jealous. I’m genuinely happy. Because I have my own shit to contend with when the time comes. Because Elphie has finally made it past her first hurdle. She has loads more to come, and they will be hard, and sometimes scary. And I plan to be there for her through all of it. Just like I know she will be there for me when my BFP comes along and I have passed that first hurdle, and it’s time for my fit to hit the shan.

I know I’m rambling a bit here. But I do have a point. I think that Elphie’s BFP needs and DESERVES to be put in a bubble, separate from those smug biyatches we see on facebook, separate from our friends and that girl we knew in high school.

We are a part of a community who knows that until that baby comes out kicking, screaming, and breathing, there is still a long road ahead.

There is joy on the way for her – yes. But there is also worry, heartache, anxiety, and generally a whole lot of reasons to be stressed and freaked out.

So I will be jealous of Elphie and a little sad for myself. But only once that beautiful healthy baby gets safely delivered nine months from now.

Until then I will share in her joy, her pain, her fear, and her every little celebration.

Because she deserves it. And because I know everything she writes about it will be, as usual, insightful, funny, intelligent, and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Her BFP is my Havaya Metakenet.

Congrats Elphie, on passing that first big hurdle. I will be holding your hand for all of the hurdles to come, and celebrating each victory right along with you.

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18 Responses to “The Blogosphere Pregnancy Announcement”

  1. Marie March 21, 2011 at 04:48 #

    I hate “We are dealt no more than we can handle” almost as much as I hate “Everything happens for a reason.” Because sometimes I feel like I am not handling it, or I shouldn’t have to handle it, or I just don’t fucking want to handle it.

    That was sort of tangental, but I’ve said enough on the actual topic tonight and will say more tomorrow. And yes, I’m from the bitter, slightly jealous, happy-for-her-but-sad-for-me camp.

    But hey, YOU! Good for you for being genuinely happy for someone else’s BFP. That did happen for me once. It was a crazy, unbelievable feeling. It may not ever happen again, but it’s nice to know it’s possible. So congratulations to YOU for getting there.

    I just want you to know that I’m wearing shamrock antenna on my head right now, for no good reason other than they were there. And both of you – Mo & Elphie – I love you both.

    • mommyodyssey March 21, 2011 at 14:28 #

      I love you too!
      I kind of hate the “everything happens for a reason” mode of thinking myself. BUT
      what I meant was a slight variation on that:
      It’s more of a “the grass is not always greener” type of philosophy. It’s like Israelis who look at me weird when they find out I voluntarily left the States. They don’t get why. They are honestly shocked. But I just realized I’m better off living in my own little messed up country. I’ll probably post about that sometime soon.

    • Elphaba March 22, 2011 at 04:26 #

      I love you both too.

  2. Kristin March 21, 2011 at 07:23 #

    I am so happy for you that you have reached a point where you can genuinely be happy about someone else’s pregnancy announcement. May it be a wonderful Havaya Metakenet for you.

  3. Cattiz J March 21, 2011 at 10:57 #

    Lovely post. Of course there’s jealousy but also happiness when someone that has waited so long gets a BFP. It also give others hope that it can happen again after a long time.

  4. Kira March 21, 2011 at 22:46 #

    I guess from the second I saw her post, I did see her in a bubble, separate from the smug facebookers complaining about their pregnancies. Genuinely, feel nothing but happiness for someone who has tried and hurt for so long to have accomplished at least one tiny step in the direction we all long for. I know I’m new to the blogging community but she is my comrade-in-arms, it sounds selfish (or delusional) but her accomplishment IS my accomplishment. It shows that someone out there HAS beaten the Infertile Monster/Enemy (or at least wounded it) and there is hope for the rest of us.

    But I understand that some people don’t see it that way. That they aren’t there, in the place, in that mindset. And they too are my comrade-in-arms, and I will continue to support and comfort them even as I support and comfort Elphie.

    • mommyodyssey March 22, 2011 at 00:36 #

      beautifully said. Hear hear! 🙂

    • Elphaba March 22, 2011 at 04:26 #

      Thanks Kira, that totally brought tears to my eyes. 🙂

  5. Marie March 22, 2011 at 03:05 #

    Oh! And YES IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE FOR EVERYONE ELSE IF YOU GOT PREGNANT ALSO! (Ok, maybe just me. And Courtney. Courtney, can you please back me up here?)

  6. Cookie with Milk March 22, 2011 at 14:11 #

    My first thought on seeing that blog post title was “oh, shit, is this going to hurt?” But I took a deep breath, and kept reading, and at the end of it, I discovered that no, actually it wouldn’t hurt me. It’d make me happy and give me hope for this cycle.

    A friend of mine announced her six week along pregnancy on FB. That hurt, right off the bat. Maybe because I didn’t know they were trying? Maybe because we got married around the same time? But after a while, I stopped hurting and starting feeling terrified for her. She’s started buying baby crap, and posting about it on FB. I know a few women with children have already posted things like “Oh, so early? I waited until Week X.” Nobody is saying that dreaded Miscarriage word, but I suddenly kinda wish IF/Loss, etc. were more spoken of, so she wouldn’t be so naive. So she could protect herself from that big world of potential hurt.

    I’m trying to find an analogy here.

    Maybe it’s like watching a performance on stage. If you know nothing about the theatre, you might assume that only the actors on the stage had anything to do with the production. Maybe they’ll bring out the director at the end and she’ll bow a few times, and wave, and then everyone leaves, thinking “wow, those actors did a fine job”. But if you do know something about theatre, you know that the cast on stage is only a small fraction of what made that production work. There are costumers and set builders, accountants, electricians and lighters, all working for hours and hours to make it perfect. After the show is done, they’ll still be working. Suddenly, you appreciate the hard work, chaos and luck that went into it.

    I know, I rambled. I’m not really sure what I’m saying, except maybe “Elphie is one of us, and she worked hard to get where she is. She didn’t win the lottery without even trying. She filled out her application form in triplicate, and waited in line, like the rest of us slobs. That means my effort isn’t futile.”

    • Cookie with Milk March 22, 2011 at 14:12 #

      Crap, I’ll write an essay here, but can’t think of anything to blog about. Swell.

  7. Rach March 24, 2011 at 15:22 #

    I was happy for her, I always am when someone announces a bfp regardless of how long they have been trying or even who they are.

    Is that happiness mixed with sadnes on my part? Definitely.

    I have to say the only part of your post I didn’t like was when you used the word “deserve” – I loathe it, it implies that some deserve happiness or pregnancy/baby over others, when in reality don’t we all deserve to be happy, to get that one thing (whatever it may be) we desperately want?I’ve been ttc for 11 long years and have had way too many miscarriages to keep count of anymore, does that mean I deserve a baby more than someone who has only been trying for say a year and has suffered no losses? Of course not.

    We all deserve to have what we yearn for and lucky Elphie got her yearning fulfilled.

    ~x~

    • mommyodyssey March 24, 2011 at 15:26 #

      You are completely right. We all deserve it. It was a bad choice of words on my part.
      Thanks for your honesty!

  8. Natalie March 25, 2011 at 04:18 #

    I miscarried my first pregnancy last September. A month or so later, a friend learned she was 7(?!) months pregnant – she’d had no idea. The intense jealously that surged through me at hearing her news was physical – I had to turn the phone over to my better half and leave the room. I left the house, actually – I had to go sit on the front porch and have a smoke and try to talk myself into calming down and being happy for her, that her baby was healthy, that I still had so many blessings in my life, blah blah blah. I was still jealous as hell.

    It’s gotten easier. I’m trying really hard to follow a “what will be will be” approach here and to enjoy each day as it comes. Cliche’, but it maybe will keep me from going insane. Maybe.

  9. bustedstork March 25, 2011 at 14:02 #

    Thanks so much for this post. I love Elphaba’s blog and I really feel a kinship with her too. I have to admit on a little pang of jealousy and self-pity in amongst the happiness and excitement around her BFP. But I completely agree with you that there are certain pregnancy announcements that need to be greeted with joy, support and a big “hell, yeah!” fist pump for our (mostly sad) little community.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Can I still call myself infertile? « Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm - March 24, 2011

    […] to address for a few days, namely the ripple effect of a BFP announcement on this community. Both Mo and Marie blogged on their thoughts when they heard my news, and from my point of view, it was […]

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