What If

15 Mar

First – an update. The woman who I posted about yesterday gave birth to yet another healthy baby boy. I officially clicked “hide” today on her profile. Don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. She has gone from “I’m not crazy about her” to “I hate that woman” in the course of 24 hours. Yay her.

Thanks for everyone’s lovely and supportive comments yesterday. They really did help.

But yesterday sucked – on a lot of levels.

However, today, some of the sources of that suckage were revealed with my monthly visit to Dr. Happy Pills.

Yeah – turns out my whole “let’s lose the patch” plan – well – not so much with the smart.

I had my first uncontrollable crying fit in months last night. And it was terrible because Shmerson is away at reserve duty and I was feeling particularly alone (luckily, Court was there to talk me down from having a cigarette and squish was there to talk me down in general). Today, when I entered Dr. Happy Pills’ office, exhausted and puffy eyed, he said: get yourself back on the patch. Now.

Then came the barrage of “me knowing betters” that included “but the nicotine is already out of my system!” And “I don’t want to get re-addicted!”.

His answer: Get the lower dosage patch but get yourself back on the freakin’ patch.

See- turns out those cigarettes were medicating my anxiety issues even more than I thought. Now that I’m clear headed (back on a lower dosage patch) all of the sudden, the last few days – the crying fits, the disconnection, the over eating, the not going to yoga, the not handling anything with even an iota of rationality – well, they’re all making much more sense.

Yeah – nicotine plays on the same exact places in the brain that happy pills do. This means I have to WEAN MYSELF OFF SLOWLY or go completely batshit – (see the last few days as an example of me going batshit. Though what you read on the blog was tame compared to what was raging in my head).

So – I am now back on a low dose patch. I will wean myself off of it slowly. I will listen to Dr. Happy Pills properly from now on. No more “me knowing better.”

(You’d think I’d have learned that lesson by now, wouldn’t you?)

The thing is, with the emotional rollercoaster of the last week or so, going from doing the happy dance to rock bottom in the course of hours, having a constant internal dialogue with myself about smoking versus non-smoking, a lot of fears have started to creep back in.

On a lot of levels today’s appt. with Dr. Happy Pills kind of sealed the deal regarding TTC again. Along with my regular prescriptions, he also gave me a script for a less effective, but preggo-safe anti anxiety med to start taking as soon as I get a BFP instead of the xanax. All areas are now covered.

So it’s official. I’m a non-smoker (now with more regulated mood swings!). I’m down to a single glass of caffeinated something per day, I’m getting stuck with needles once a week, I’m taking folic acid, and I own my very own yoga mat. I’ve got my bases covered. I’m ready to become a baby making machine.

But…. What if…?

Let me stop here and share with you an excerpt of a draft of something that I started writing a few days back. This is a post about re-framing traumatic experience, which I will most likely publish in the next few days, but with all of this stuff omitted, since you’re reading it here, and it turns out it has no place in that other post. So, here you go:

Take my next BFP – lord knows I’ve had enough trauma with pregnancy to last a lifetime. And I’m in a rather precarious place. It’s going to be a third pregnancy. If this one doesn’t stick that means that we have to start pulling out the big guns. Thinking of plans b, c, and d.

If I miscarry again, that means that in the eyes of every single doctor I turn from “repeated aborter” to “habitual aborter”.

I’m a third time offender. In California that’s a life sentence right there (ha ha I made a judiciary funny).

I’m not dreading pregnancy (well, duh). I’m not even dreading those first few weeks, which I know will be hell on so many levels. The fear. The anticipation. The worry. Did I mention the fear?

But I am determined to make this entire process of going back to TTC a  better experience.

I’ve quit smoking. I’ve tossed the OPK’s. I’m letting go of control. I will have fun having sex with my husband like any other normal couple should.

And once I get that BFP – oh my are things going to be different. There will now be a doctor that I like and trust (already made sure of that). That doctor will be forced to give me an emergency contact number, so that if something goes wrong, I will be going to him to get the bad news, and not be subjected to the humiliation of having a stranger tell me the news.

I will not spend my next pregnancy in denial. I will count the pregnancy from day one and not wait “until I see a heartbeat” or “until the 12th week” to make it count and appreciate it.

Yes I will be scared out of my wits. But I’ll have you guys here with me the entire time. And if I miscarry. If something, spaghetti monster forbid, goes wrong? If I officially make it into the three-timer club……?

This is where I got stuck writing the post. All of the sudden I found myself without an answer to that particular “What if?”. I was so sure I had it all figured out. I was so sure everything was in place. But I forgot about that last “what if?”.

What if I make it into the three-timer club?

What if all of this hope, all of this optimism, all of it gets shattered?

I’ve had all the tests that you’re supposed to have at this stage of the game. As a two-time offender.

That doesn’t mean everything’s ok. It means that everything that’s been tested is ok. There’s still a battery of highly invasive high-tech thingamabobs that have yet to be inserted into my uterus because I haven’t made the transition from “repeat aborter” to “habitual aborter”.

This is what’s been haunting me for the last few days. The possibility that this saga has just begun. That with this next BFP, despite every heart-wrenching step I’ve taken, it still will not be enough. I will still cross the threshold from “repeat aborter” to “habitual aborter”.

It’s that “what if” that is scaring me right now more than anything else.

It’s that “what if” that brings on the self destructive thought of “what’s the point of all of this? what if it won’t make a difference?”

And now – I have no choice but to just wait and see, and push that particular “what if” aside as best as I possibly can.

But I know that this “what if” is what will be haunting me for the next few months. And what sucks is, there’s really nothing I can do about it.  My inner control freak is currently having a serious temper tantrum.


16 Responses to “What If”

  1. me0me March 15, 2011 at 20:04 #

    I’m really glad you’re going about all this with your eyes *this* wide open. It doesn’t mean that that ‘what if’, if it were to, s.m. forbid, happen, would cause any less heartbreak- but it undoubtedly prepares the emotional system for the potential shock.
    That said, I’m proud of you for deciding to be emotionally engaged from day one of the pregnancy. I think everything in this life that’s worth it is something we dive into while knowing that there are risks. And the patch has brought that awesome confident, emotionally present voice that’s been on here for the past couple of months. It makes me tingle.

  2. bodegabliss March 15, 2011 at 20:04 #

    You know what you’ll do if it happens again? You’ll be devastated and heartbroken and it will be horrible, but you’ll pick yourself up eventually and devise a plan. Or, like me, you’ll go for it one more time to make it a 4th. I never thought I would have to attempt a 4th pregnancy just to have one that sticks, but here I am. It’s been hell, but I’m surviving (mostly) — largely in part due to this community. And we’ll be here for you if it happens again. But you won’t know if it will or will not happen unless you try again. And that might be the very same thing you think if you have to do it again. Because that’s what is getting me through this – I won’t know until I try. I just have to keep hoping until I can no longer hope. And the chances are, you won’t have to experience a 4th pregnancy. We forget because we’re in this bubble of infertility and loss that it’s really quite rare to have 3 miscarriages. You have an over 80% chance of a next pregnancy sticking. 80 PERCENT! That’s huge. And I think because we’re reading daily of pregnancies failing, we forget this. Chances are, the what if’s won’t come to fruition. Try and focus on that for now. It’s all we can do.

    • me0me March 15, 2011 at 20:50 #

      can I just send a hug your way BoBli? That just made me tear up a little

      • mommyodyssey March 15, 2011 at 22:47 #

        Can I say that I love that you two are connecting on my comments? This is a good start. 🙂
        And thanks for that court. xoxo

      • bodegabliss March 17, 2011 at 22:40 #

        I like hugs.

    • Elphaba March 15, 2011 at 22:46 #

      Listen to her–she’s smart.

      • mommyodyssey March 15, 2011 at 22:49 #

        I actually tend to do that often Elphie. Court and I have a rule – if I’m wrong, chances are she’s right. And vice versa. 🙂

    • Marie March 16, 2011 at 01:15 #

      What she said.

      Because of this bubble, I have days where I think I’m infertile. I’m just not TTC. I’m part of the huge statistic of first pregnancies that end in miscarriage. Which means I’m fertile until proven otherwise.

      But the bubble! The everything-that-can-go-wrong-will bubble!

      Yeah. We need to chill. When you get your BFP and switch to that other drug, feel free to crush up your xanax and put it in any chocolate you’re sending me 🙂

  3. Kristin March 15, 2011 at 22:00 #

    Those what ifs are scary as hell…but, think of it this way…

    If you don’t try and possibly try again, there will be no chance of a baby.

    I’ve faced down multiple losses and (God forbid) I’ll be here to help if you ever find yourself in that situation.

  4. missohkay March 16, 2011 at 03:37 #

    Not sure I’m the most comforting person as I’m still dealing with the mental gymnastics of going from repeat to habitual – but repeat the mantra that your chances of having another miscarriage is no different after two than it was when you first started down the TTC path. You’re doing all the right things for your body and mind, and you just have to let go and try. If this is it, we’ll be here to celebrate. And if you’re let down again, we’ll all be here to help you pick up the pieces. I know that doesn’t make it any less scary but you do have a safety net this time.

  5. Cattiz J March 16, 2011 at 12:03 #

    What if.. this next time will be a beautiful and perfect pregnancy that will have you hold your baby in your arms after nine month! Just saying =)

    And no, I haven’t experienced any loss but am scared as well because it seems to be more common than spoken of.

    • mommyodyssey March 17, 2011 at 03:01 #

      That’s a nice sentiment Cattiz. Thanks.
      But I do think the ladies are right – it’s the downside of being in this bubble. We see a lot of worst case scenarios played out – so it’s easy to forget that – well, every person on this earth was a result of a successful pregnancy. So in the end, statistics are in our favor.

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