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How I Spent My Due Date Vacation

2 Mar

Last night sucked. I posted from a really dark place. Once I hit publish, I was bawling. It was around 2am.

Courtney – with her usual perfect timing, popped into skype to check on how I was, and stayed online with me until I was calm again.

In the middle of it, my crying woke shmerson up.

He came upstairs and held me for a while, and then said some beautiful things about Our experience being a part of our lives as a whole. And we can’t let go of the good side. That “What if’s” are always figments of our imagination – and we can never truly know what would have happened, and we should be grateful for the good place that we were in.

Of course, he’s right – as everyone who commented on last night’s post was right on the money as well.

Of course I’m grateful for the results of the last 9 months. And this blog – the amazing women I’ve met here – well, just that, on so many levels makes things worth it. I truly consider each and every one of you my friends, and I am grateful for all of you. You strengthen and inspire me. You make me laugh, you lend me support. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last few months without you.

I had a hard night. I had my first night-panic-attack in months. It was pretty terrible – but I’m sure it was only partially due to my emotional state and more connected to the fact that my zoloft dosage was effed-up because of the all-night-oscar-fest.

yeah. not doing that again (as in – not delaying the zoloft again, the oscar parties will continue even considering the telecast’s downward spiral as of late).

So I slept badly –  woke up much later than I had planned, and headed over to the tattoo parlor.

I’ve never had work done by this guy – but he’s been in the biz for over twenty years and has a really great rep. I’d met him before while accompanying a friend who was getting inked, so I knew I was in good hands.

I listened to everyone’s advice. I felt my feelings. At the tattoo parlor, I cried a bit. Then my turn came up, and the tattoo artist asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted to tell him my story first.

So – crying all the while – I explained to him why I was getting this tattoo. Why today.

He looked at me with understanding in his eyes. He told me that he and his wife had lost three babies before finally having 2 healthy children. Good. This man got it.

I pointed out some things in his book that I liked – and before I even had a chance to ask – he offered to draw something especially for me. I had planned on going for black and white, but then my instinct told me no – go for purple. I’m happy I did it. It gives the whole thing a much more optimistic feel.

And the drawing he made was perfect. And it hurt like a mo-fo (my previous tattoo was on my back. Apparently, a cakewalk compared to the leg).

And I left with the usual weakness combined with adrenaline rush that goes with getting a tattoo. But not feeling anything dramatic. Not good, not bad. Just feeling right about what I did.

When I got home, I was met with a surprise. My husband had been in school all day. And somehow during the day he posted a really touching note on facebook for the whole world to see. (I would share a link or copy-paste it here, but it’s in hebrew)

Apparently, his guest blogging stint did good stuff for him so he took it a step further.

He wrote a note telling the world – “My wife and I have been through two miscarriages. We want the whole world to know this, because we want people to stop the consensus of silence around this. We want other couples to come out of the pregnancy loss closet, and also to know, that if god forbid they go through this in the future, they are not alone. That they have me and my wife.”

(of course it was longer and far more eloquent than what I paraphrased here)

Then he called out for couples everywhere to share their story. He said “don’t copy and paste what I wrote. Share your story. It helped me, it helped my wife, and it may help countless others in the future.”

I love my husband.

The rest of the evening was uneventful. Yoga class, followed by some yummy take out and a short cuddle on the couch, and a few good phone conversations with friends.

There were no big revelations today. No big breakdowns. I am surprised at myself. But I don’t think it came from a place of repression. I think it’s just the way it was for me.

And that was it. And I love my tattoo. And I think I’m good with today being relatively calm and drama-free.

On another note, I wanted to point out Marie’s post today. She’s right. There seems to be a general mood of gloom around here lately.

I have a suggestion to make about this. The live blog the other night turned into a live chat. And I have to say – it was much more fun than the oscars themselves. Everyone said how fun it was and how we should do it again.

I think we should. I think that it may be a really great way for us to just do an online bitch&stitch every once and a while. Heated debates about edward cullen and who deserves to marry colin firth included as needed. As well as support as needed.

I thought it would be fun. Setting something like this up, say once every week or two. I think we can find a way to make all of our schedules fit together so we can spend an hour of girly QT together every once in a while. It was way too much fun to wait until the next oscars – don’t you think? Plus – it’s a good solution to get out of our own wallowing – or at least, wallow together.

Comment away about your thoughts on this! And thanks again – everyone. You are amazing. Each and every one of you.

PS – Elphie is now an official contributor to Fertility Authority! Go check out her first post and give her some love! Yay Elphie! Congrats!

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16 Responses to “How I Spent My Due Date Vacation”

  1. Marie March 2, 2011 at 03:49 #

    You and I are like 10 hours apart as it is, right? And then we have to factor in Oz and NZ? This is going to make for some pretty interesting chat times…

  2. Elphaba March 2, 2011 at 15:19 #

    Oh Shmerson is a superstar. I just fell a little in love with him too.

    And yes to chatting. I would love to. We’ll have to see if we can find a time that works… it could be crazy.

    And thanks for the shout out!

    • slcurwin March 3, 2011 at 03:26 #

      I think we’re all in love with him a bit right about now.

  3. mommyodyssey March 2, 2011 at 16:33 #

    I think we’ll be able to make it work. I’m a night person – especially on the weekends, so I think if we go for saturday or sunday it should work for everyone. I’ll post a call for times in the next couple of days and I’ll do the math.
    And Elphie – I believe you just made shmerson blush. 🙂

    • Marie March 2, 2011 at 21:22 #

      Ok, I’m in. I like being the earliest zone – well, me & Courtney. We’ll be chatting while we have dinner, while our men wonder what the hell is so much more important than they are 🙂

  4. me0me March 2, 2011 at 19:21 #

    What a special community you guys are. Of course, now I see your ultimate goal with this goal- setting shmerson up with other women! Everything makes so much more sense now!

    • me0me March 2, 2011 at 19:21 #

      *goal with this blog

      • me0me March 2, 2011 at 19:27 #

        **if that wasn’t funny please purge

  5. slcurwin March 3, 2011 at 03:28 #

    YAH I want a stitch and bitch about who should marry Edward, lol. I haven’t the slightest clue as to how a live chat is done, but I’ll sweet talk you into coaching me through it.

    • mommyodyssey March 3, 2011 at 13:17 #

      It’s really easy. I promise to hold your hand through the process. 🙂

  6. Kristin March 3, 2011 at 04:52 #

    I’m so sorry you had a rough time of it…and that I’ve been absent for a bit.

    I am seriously impressed with your husband and what he wrote. That totally rocks. Btw, I’m on facebook as Kristin O’Donnell Cruz. Shoot me a friend request.

    • mommyodyssey March 3, 2011 at 13:18 #

      Done! 🙂 And thanks for your support Kristin. 🙂

  7. Cattiz J March 3, 2011 at 11:40 #

    I’m sorry you had such a tough time. Your husband is really coming out of the closet so to say, think it’s great of him! You seem like a good team together.

    • mommyodyssey March 3, 2011 at 13:19 #

      Thanks. 🙂 We feel like one more and more. That’s really the best thing to come out of all of this.

  8. myskytimes March 6, 2011 at 20:22 #

    Geez… I missed the tattoo posts and due date vacation completely. I loved reading it! Glad to have somehow inspired you to get a memento – and the two purple butterflies are just too cute. (btw, even my tattooist said that his leg hurt more than his other 156 tattoos, so kudos for going for it!)

    Your man is amazing. Reading your recap of his fb status made me tear up… Good to know that there’s men like him out there.

    🙂

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