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I Think I’ve Decided Not to Decide

24 Feb

I visited the obgyn today. For those who forgot and those who don’t know, this is only the second time I’ve seen him. We moved shortly after my second M/C, so I had to find someone new.

He came highly recommended by my cousin, and I really liked him the first time I met him. So I’m gonna stick with him, and therefore, he needs a name. I’ve decided to call him Dr. Blunt.  It was between that and Dr. Marshmallow (because he’s round and white haired and very sweet), but today set it in stone: He’s Dr Blunt.

Allow me to rewind. I’ve been in several conundrums over the last couple of weeks, or to put it in Englishing, I’ve been dilemma-ing about.

After your amazing comments and support on my last major conundrum post, I definitely let got of my guilt, and I want to share the TTC process with you guys.

But a few things have happened in the last few days that have kind of made things change around a bit.

First, was my appt. with the Harley Hottie on Monday. During our needle sticking session, I asked him when he thought would be a good time to start TTC again. He said a month, maybe two. But then he said: “or just don’t try and see what happens.”

Now – I know we all hate the “just relax and it’ll happen” line. It’s sucky. He was basically telling me that. So I wrote it off.

Last week, at Dr. Blood’s, he looked at my MTFHR results and said I don’t need to worry, that being a heterozygote is normal, and that docs that give meds for it are just over prescribing. It does no good, and has nothing to do with miscarrying early. If I was the other type (I think it’s called homozygote) then it would be a problem. Again, my answer was – screw that! I know better! I’m gonna insist on prescriptions! Yay control!

But then, today, I walked into Dr. Blunt’s office, having gone through all of the tests he ordered, armed with temps, too many visits to Dr. Go Ogle, and a bunch of demands. Yes, it was as if I was holding him hostage. “Check my luteal phase! Prescribe a mega-dose of folic acid and other anti-clotting meds! Give me an Ultra-sound! Wave a magic wand and miraculously make me have a healthy baby!” Not that demands really help in this case, because it’s not that I was holding his kids at gunpoint or anything. And even then, how would that help? Plus I would never do that even if it’s just metaphorically speaking (get back on topic, Mo, you’re rambling again!).

Aaaanyway….

After my list of demands, Dr. Blunt shut me down. He looked at me and said: “Do me a favor – I’m the doctor here, so why don’t you let me make the suggestions?”

I blushed. I felt so guilty. I apologized.

He said not to worry – that every woman in my situation comes in with the same list of demands.

I smiled, apologized again, and shut the hell up and let him talk.

And I asked: “so, what do we do?”

He said  “Nothing”.

Control-Freaky alarm alert! What the hell is this guy talking about?

He holds up my medical file. And shows me what he wrote during my first visit, and what he wrote down today.

First visit (loosely translated): will most likely need progesterone supplements. Send for clotting tests to rule out other problems.

Second visit: No clotting issues found. Patient will need progesterone supplements.

I look at him skeptically: “What? No blood tests?”

He says – “There’s nothing here that would indicate anything but a lack of progesterone. Trust me. I mean, if you want – I can send you for a bunch of blood tests. I promise you they will show nothing else”.

*Danger! Danger!*

“But what about the whole heterozygote thing? Shouldn’t I be taking something for that?”

“A lot of doctors prescribe something for it. It’s a waste of medication. It’s just to calm the woman down. 40% of women are heterozygotes. It has nothing to do with miscarrying in the first trimester. But if you want, I can prescribe it, just to make you feel better. It probably won’t though.”

I KNOW this guy’s a great obgyn. My cousin had three high risk pregnancies that produced 3 healthy kids because of this guy.

I try to quiet the control freaky alarm bells.

“So what does this mean?”

“This means that you and your husband start trying whenever you want, and once you get that second line you call me immediately and we get you on progesterone, which will hopefully be all that’s needed to help you carry a baby to term”

“That’s all?”

“Yep”.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

Dumbfounded, I thank Dr. Blunt and walk out of his office.

I was expecting a barrage of tests. I was expecting several more weeks of uncertainty. I was expecting a long line of prescriptions. In short, I was doing what I always do – looking for drama where there isn’t any.

So I went back to what Dr. Blood and the Harley Hottie were saying.

They were saying what we all hate to hear. “Just calm down, it’ll happen.”

Now I know for most of you guys it’s not that easy. But like I’ve said here before, it’s obviously not the getting preggo that’s my problem. It’s the staying preggo.

So maybe, in my case, I should actually embrace that dreaded saying?

I kind of feel like I’m circling around my point here. Let me get down to the nitty gritty:

I’ve been making kind of a big deal about when we start to TTC. As in, I know that we’ll most likely get preggo quickly so I have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE before we try.

And that decision has been stressing me out. I’ve talked about it with shmerson. I’ve talked about it with my therapist. I’ve been going through every possible scenario in my head. If we start in march, then this and this will happen. If we start in april, then bla bla bla. Etc, etc.

The thing is that this “conception date” thing is only set in stone if I make sure it’s set in stone. If I continue monitoring my temps, if I continue to POAS, if I continue to count my cycle days.

So all of the sudden it hit me: “What if I decide not to decide?”

Which basically means – I quit two things: Smoking and tracking my cycle.

What if, once I quit smoking (March 7th people! Mark your calendars!), we lose the condoms, and just – have sex?

I don’t remember the last time Shmerson and I have just had sex, without thinking about timing, whether we need a condom, bla bla bla.

How great would it be for our relationship to just let that go? To just have sex for the sake of having sex, like most married couples do, and if that second line shows up, it shows up?

On one hand, it’s me avoiding making the decision.

On the other, well, it’s me avoiding the decision. Letting go of control. That’s major. It’s something i need to do.

It will be more challenging to me than, well, anything really. This means no pretending. No secret OPK’s, no TWW. Just – going with the flow and seeing what happens.

Of course, I’m assuming there will be some speculating on my part around when AF is supposed to come around. There will be phantom symptoms, there will be HPT’s taken.

But no official “TTC”. No sexy-time marathons during ovulation. No looking at the iphone app that tracks my cycle. Stopping my FF membership. Putting away the thermometer.

Since this seems like a scarier prospect than making a concrete decision, I sort of feel like it’s the way to go. Does that make sense?

As in – quit smoking, and then just lose the condom and make sweet lovin to your hubby whenever the heck you feel like it, and if the sperm happens to meet the egg, then good for us. I’m assuming that after a few months of this, if I don’t get a BFP, I’ll probably start tracking again. But for now, maybe it’s the right move?

I’m a heathen, and yet for some reason my instinct is telling me to let fate decide. I feel like it’s the right move for my marriage, and also in terms of my life choices.

It’s weird because this has all come to me in the last few hours. I’ve already talked it over with Shmerson, of course, and he’s on board. But this is me making a quick decision. Which is also sometimes bad, and I’ve been trying to avoid doing that. On the other hand, it feels like a difficult one to make, and yet the right one to make.

I don’t know ladies – what do you think? Is this a cop-out or a healthy decision?

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13 Responses to “I Think I’ve Decided Not to Decide”

  1. Elphaba February 24, 2011 at 03:14 #

    I think that would be perfect decision. Do it like regular people do it. Have sex. Enjoy. Repeat.

    I like the sound of Dr. Blunt.

  2. me0me February 24, 2011 at 04:04 #

    BFP feedback Mo. I’m 100% with you on scary might be the way to go on this one. No cop out. Life. Real life. You go girl.

  3. Kristin February 24, 2011 at 04:36 #

    Wishing you the best of luck!

  4. Summastarlet February 24, 2011 at 10:10 #

    Happy ICLW.

    Best of luck with your decision to not decide! I think it sounds like a great way to start…throw away the smokes and the condoms and just see what happens…It does seem scary but hopefully you will be rewarded with a BFP in no time. BTW..Dr Blunt sounds great!! xx

  5. Erin February 24, 2011 at 15:12 #

    I have had 3 miscarriages. 2 blighted and 1 early. I have had a barrage of testing done and have had the conceptus tested and they found NOTHING. THey keep telling me nothing is wrong. Yet, I feel like there is they just haven’t found it. I do have 2 healthy sons, so their advice is to just keep trying.

  6. Christina February 24, 2011 at 17:23 #

    Sounds like a good plan! …er…maybe that’s un-plan?

    Best wishes!

  7. Marie February 24, 2011 at 18:45 #

    So… In one evening, you said, “Relax and it’ll happen,” and I said, “Everything happens for a reason.” Our friends must hate us.

    I think it’s a great idea to start by not not-trying. That’s actually what I plan on doing when I’m ready to throw out the condoms too. If, after a few months, that hasn’t worked, then you can switch to actively trying.

    One piece of advice from a former doc of mine, though: try having sex every OTHER day. If you have it every single day, you could exhaust Shmerson’s sperm supply – it takes some time for those little guys to band together. Just a thought 🙂

  8. bodegabliss February 24, 2011 at 18:57 #

    Okay. So first things first…I think you’re on the right track. I think that you should go with the no deciding thing. It sounds like it’s a good plan to me (and also kind of fun). BUT, I think I might be in the minority here because I don’t love Dr. Blunt. I say this because I’m pretty sure you and I think exactly the same (it’s that September Libra thing), and because we have EXACTLY the same issues going on. So I think you should still stick to your plan of do nothing, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t be a good idea to get a second opinion. Of course I say that and the other part of my brain thinks, “but maybe that’s what she and you need, someone to just be blunt, to cut off the part that goes back and forth.” So fine, I can see your conundrum and maybe I’m not helping at all here. But if I can also draw from my experience with my doctor for a minute…she doesn’t want to over prescribe me anything, just like Dr. Blunt. She’s even on board with me when I requested to have my progesterone checked before I get my prescription filled (because I’m not convinced on the research). But she also asked an RE that is a friend of hers about the MTHFR and came back to me with the concoction of vitamins I told you about. And there has been research on that that I can stand behind. So I don’t know, in one way, I can see that you may need his bluntness…but on the other, I think it would be a good idea to see what another doctor says as well, and then go from there. Because maybe then you’d feel even better about making your decision (it’s not easy for us to make decisions, so the more confident we can get behind one, the better it is). And also? If I were you, I’d up your folic acid, b6 and b12. It makes me feel like I’m doing something to help, you know? It gives me some kind of control. And now I’m going to stop because now this is longer than your post. xoxo!

    • mommyodyssey February 25, 2011 at 00:59 #

      never stop!
      it’s important to note that he was blunt, but nonetheless very sweet about it. I know my B12 levels are ok – but I’m definitely gonna do the folic acid thing, just in case.

  9. Christa February 24, 2011 at 19:03 #

    Here from ICLW (#38) –

    I have to say that I smoked a few years before we started trying. I quit cold turkey when we started TTC and three years later after IVF I found out my eggs’ “shells” are weak. Smoking can cause that, but so can genetics so who knows at this point. I hope so much that smoking has had no effect on your eggs; looking back, I wish I’d never smoked. I suggest that if you want to take something, try 3mg Melatonin every night. Natural and apparently, according to a study, they help egg quality.

    Good luck with everything!

    • mommyodyssey February 25, 2011 at 01:00 #

      smoking is terrible. I really hate the fact that i do it. But I have a really addictive personality so I’ve found it very hard to quit. Now I finally have some decent motivation. Hopefully this time it sticks.

  10. slcurwin February 24, 2011 at 23:51 #

    Yes, Enjoy sex again! Of course, I’ve gone a little tame on the following my fertility this last month and it has decreased the stress, but I’m stil doing my basic tracking so I know whats up. Just less with the obsessing and more on the fun sex.

  11. Cookie with Milk February 26, 2011 at 17:14 #

    We did the Sex Like Normal People thing while waiting for our RE appointment. I dunno how much it might’ve helped for baby-making, but it did make me calmer and happier.

    Good luck!

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