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To Share or Not to Share? That is the Question

22 Feb

Well, I’ve been rolling this conundrum around in my head for a few weeks, and I figured it was time to put it out there in the blogoverse.

We’re getting ever-closer to finishing off the checklist of things that need to get done before we TTC again.

Blood tests? Check. All that’s left is a follow-up at the gyno to see if we need to check any more hormonal stuff out. That’s two days from now.

Mood stability? Check

Quitting Smoking? Hella close. Got the go-ahead from the shrink  to go for it using the patch. Set a quit date of March 7th – yes, not sooner Marie, because I want to give myself space to deal with my upcoming due date before taking on a new challenge. I hope you approve. 🙂

Financial stability? It’s a question of a couple of months before we’ll be back on our feet again. I think. Though you can never really be sure about these things.

Extras: yoga at least twice a week, started acupuncture last week, eating waaay healthier, cut down significantly on caffeine, started temp monitoring.

So yeah – my feeling is that Shmerson and I should be hopping back in the saddle within the next couple of cycles. I’m waiting for my instinct to kick in and tell me it’s time. I trust it enough now to wait for that moment, and I know it’s coming up soon.

Now some may know, and some may not, but here’s my deal: getting a BFP has been a breeze for us (and for that I am really thankful). So far, both times that we actively TTC we were successful within the month. I always joke with shmerson that he’s got super-sperm. See, the problem isn’t making the sperm meet the egg, it’s keeping those darn things in my uterus that’s been the problem.

After my first Miscarriage, before I found this amazing community, there were only two people around me who understood what I was going through.

One of them was my brother’s girlfriend, who had struggled with IF for 5 years. Her battle was different, but she understood my longing. About two days after my first D&C, she called to check in, and she said something that at the time, sounded pretty weird to me. She said “when I was struggling to get pregnant, I almost wished for a miscarriage. I thought it was better than nothing at all. It would have been progress. Consider yourself lucky.”

Yeah – this is an intense statement by any stretch of the imagination. But I admit I get her point. I sometimes feel like a fraud. Seeing other people’s journeys here makes me appreciate how truly lucky I am. Sperm meets egg happens. And that is, for others, a huge hurdle to overcome. In hindsight I see where she was coming from. She was right. I am lucky.

I know I will see that BFP relatively quickly. For me, the struggle will begin after the BFP.

Sure, the freaking out will begin with the first TWW, but once I see that second line – well, that’s what I’m really afraid of. I no longer have the option of joy for that BFP. I know it will bring with it a whole mess of new fears.

I am incredibly scared of having a third miscarriage. And those first few months are going to be hell for me, waiting for every scan, waiting for that elusive heartbeat, willing myself to not get too attached.

I’m sure with every milestone one sort of fear will subside, but another will take its place. I am trying to prepare myself for that as much as I can.

Now of course, I feel like this time, if, spaghetti monster forbid, I miscarry again, I have the tools and the support to deal with it that I didn’t have before.

But either way, I’m already prepared for those first three months to be tense as all heck. And if all goes well and I make it to a second trimester, I know I will by that point inevitably be in love with the baby growing inside me – and be even more scared of possible loss.

So I’ve really been in a huge dilemma. I mean, of course, I think the support I get here would be huge if I get that BFP, but on the other hand, I’m not quite sure if the BFP will be a celebration for me. First heartbeat? Yes. passing the 8 week mark? Yes. Entering the second trimester? Hell-to-the-yeah. But still, I know in my heart that even then, it won’t be a true celebration until I hold a healthy, alive baby in my arms. And I’m a bit afraid of getting too excited about getting a BFP and getting my heart broken again.

During my first pregnancy I pretty much yelled it from the rooftops. In my second, I was in denial, but still shared. But now sharing is huge. Sharing means sharing it with this whole community.

And I have mixed feelings about that as well. On one hand – of course I will need your support through the dreaded TWW and DEFINITELY after the BFP.

But I don’t know – I guess I kind of feel guilty. There are all these amazing women here struggling with just getting that elusive BFP. I feel like when I get that, and don’t jump up and down with joy, then it may seem ungrateful. Even possibly offend some of the people who follow this blog.

I know how painful it is for me to see women aglow with their big bellies eagerly awaiting their due dates. Will I be inflicting that same pain if everything goes smoothly? I don’t want to make anyone of my newfound soul mates sad. I know that every bit of fear or happiness I express here, will come with a fresh new dose of guilt. Because I know, that in the end, I am for now, one of the lucky ones.

And then there’s the fact that each time I’ve shouted about my BFP from the rooftops, it’s ended in loss. Maybe I’m jinxing it?

I don’t know, it’s all a jumble.

I mean, on one hand, it’s really a “duh” kind of situation. Of course I have to share TTC, the TWW and my fears of another MC here. This is why this blog was started in the first place.

But on the other – I am scared to. I’m scared both of the failure of yet another miscarriage and the heartbreak that would bring, and of success, and the possible pain it would inflict on a whole community that I’ve come to love and cherish.

I even feel guilty writing this post (we Jews are good at that, huh?). But I needed to share. The decision to TTC is close, and I want to feel ok with sharing it here.

I’ll end with a song, courtesy of SLC via facebook. I don’t want to become this! Please help me alleviate my premature guilt and affirm me as a good person, ok? Yeah, it’s sad that I need that, but work with me here, people!

*** Editor’s note (or something) Bad bad me! The video was discovered by Marie and I missed her blog post due to me being lame.

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22 Responses to “To Share or Not to Share? That is the Question”

  1. Hemlock February 22, 2011 at 02:19 #

    Your struggles are just as important as the next TTCer. I was in your boat. Seriously. I’ve been pregnant 5 documented times, though my RE thinks it’s been several more. I’ve been a part of the Craigslist IF community for four years now, and I always feel guilty about coming up with a positive HPT. So many women I see there struggle for years and years and years to simply get that positive test, but I never have. For me, like you, it’s the keeping it that’s the problem. You should NEVER feel guilty about what you’re going through. Will you upset some people? Maybe, but they’ll get over it. I’ve gotten the comment, “At least you’ve been able to have a MC.” All I’ve said in response is that they’re lucky that they haven’t… that they’re comment is just as ignorant as those who throw out the comments like, “It’s in God’s hands” or “Just relax and it’ll happen.”

    *hugs* That all said, though… I get it, and I’ve been there, and if you get your BFP and don’t feel like sharing with the masses because you’re afraid of the judgement, send me an email anytime!

  2. Elphaba February 22, 2011 at 02:21 #

    This is a tough one Mo.

    I’ll admit, that even just reading that you got pregnant both times on the first try makes my heart hurt just a little. That’s not your fault though.

    And to that end, I know exactly what your brother’s girlfriend was saying. Do you remember I said the exact same thing last cycle when I was a couple days late? At least a miscarriage would be progress for me?

    Having said all that, even though I don’t even know you in real life, I’ve come to love you and you deserve this as much as the rest of us do.

    Of course a BFP for any of us is going to hurt everyone else. And everyone understands that you aren’t going to be all glowy and happy. You’ve had shit happen–your innocence is lost. We’ll all get that. You aren’t obligated to be over the moon–you are allowed to be scared.

    If you get that BFP right away, we’re all going to be hoping for you, even when it hurts us because that’s just how all this works.

    Honestly, I only get frustrated with the women who suddenly start doing nothing but complain about it once they get pregnant–there seem to be a lot of them out there. So don’t do that, because then that would suck 😉

  3. Elphaba February 22, 2011 at 02:22 #

    PS-You better effen share it if you get one.

  4. AP February 22, 2011 at 03:11 #

    I don’t think your level of infertility is any better or worse than anyone else’s. I am someone who has never seen that second line, but I still get really excited when someone out here does, so don’t worry about sharing. Whether it’s an inability to get pregnant or difficulty staying that way, we are all here for the same reason feeling the same pain. This is WAY more philosophical than I usually am, so forgive me, but I think this is like love or grief or any strong emotion you feel – you are entitled to whatever you feel and don’t have to explain it.

  5. Marie February 22, 2011 at 03:39 #

    I for one will not judge you at all for being nervous/scared/cautiously optimistic at the sight of a second line.

    I think we all get that here. And I’ve wondered, because I have an IRL friend who can’t get pregnant, whether I’m better off having loved and lost, knowing that at least I was able to GET pregnant in the first place. (It took 8 months of completely unprotected sex, so I know I’m not in the blink-and-get-pregnant wagon either.)

    As for how we’ll react to you being/staying pregnant. Mostly what Elphie said: just don’t complain all the time, or act like the girl in that song you just posted after I just posted it yesterday 😉

    • mommyodyssey February 22, 2011 at 03:46 #

      Oy! i can’t believe I missed that! I will edit in the morning to give you full credit. Bad me! Bad bad me! 🙂

  6. mommyodyssey February 22, 2011 at 03:48 #

    And thanks ladies. I already feel better. Elphie – I will effin share. And I will do my best not to be annoying. and if I get annoying, I trust all of you to call me out on it. 🙂
    *hugs to all*

    • Marie February 22, 2011 at 07:55 #

      Oh, also? March 7th is a great day to quit smoking.

  7. Miriam February 22, 2011 at 09:42 #

    Great post! Its hard sometimes to see things from the other side, but in general IF sucks for everyone dealing with it. You have to do what feels right for you and not worry about other people. Sure, people will hurt when you get a BFP right away, but people will also be hurt that you don’t share the news. Trust your heart to guide you and be honest with yourself.

    Good luck with the no smoking!

  8. Vicky February 22, 2011 at 18:34 #

    Thank you for that epic video. Hilarious!

    • mommyodyssey February 22, 2011 at 18:41 #

      that’s actually Marie’s find. Bad me for not giving her credit!

  9. me0me February 22, 2011 at 20:11 #

    Beware! Long philosophizing comment.

    I’ve read every post on this blog even though the issue of pregnancy is far from me, so I can’t relate to it in my response- but I can relate to the spirit of things.

    I’ve been dealing with an interesting combination of issues in therapy lately: competitiveness and need for approval. As far as competitiveness goes, I have this inner-anxiety-inducing need to be the best at everything I do. The example I gave my therapist was the feeling of (slight) disappointment I get when a fellow biker passes me when I ride to work. Is that in any way connected to concrete reality? I don’t think so. Does it still trigger an unresolved issue? Yes. Might this issue be something that other people deal with? I think it is.
    When my competitiveness is actually connected to real life (and people around me), be it my previous professional path or my current/future one, what I feel I need most from my competition is a sense that the person who I’m competing with (sometimes wholly within myself) approves of me as, well, competition. As being good enough to, potentially, succeed more than her (mostly him really).
    So the gist of this rambling TMI comment is this- If I impose my issue on your community (I’m egocentric that way) I think that since this community is very much about acceptance and support, and since you’re very much a part of that, what you share of yourself is essentially what makes this blog work and enrich the community- whether it’s painful or happy (though not going with smug is probably a fair choice 🙂 ).

    • mommyodyssey February 22, 2011 at 21:28 #

      In short – true dat.
      (can’t pull that off, can I?)

  10. bodegabliss February 22, 2011 at 20:13 #

    Hey! We are too much alike. I think the one thing to remember is that, at least in this community, we’re all struggling with it in one form or another, so even if there’s pain, there will be more happiness than anything because you’re one of us! Besides the poorly-punctuated sentence, did that make sense?

    Also, did you see I used conundrum in the comment on the other post? Hahaha. I hadn’t even read this yet.

    • mommyodyssey February 22, 2011 at 21:27 #

      it did. Happy to have you back in my head. 🙂

  11. missohkay February 23, 2011 at 01:02 #

    I wrote a post very much like this last fall called Confessions of an Infertile Fraud. It’s still my most trafficked post… people are probably let down when they realize that I was just confessing that I felt guilty because I knew there was a good chance I’d get pregnant the first time I tried again. Which I did. But my support didn’t dry up. I’m sure that people understand that our version of IF is hard too – just in totally different ways. I hope you’ll let us be here for you when you get that BFP because (at least for me) pregnancy after 2 losses was really fucking scary.

    • mommyodyssey February 23, 2011 at 01:13 #

      Thanks. I was actually thinking about that post of yours while writing this. I meant to link up to it. It’s funny how hard we can be on ourselves, yet completely compassionate toward other people in the exact same situation.

  12. slcurwin February 23, 2011 at 01:05 #

    I’d like to say that all will be well and there is nothing to worry about, but who would I be fooling, right? but as soon as you are at the point when the need to try again is stronger than the “what if” then you’ll be ready. And I think you are getting there.

    And you are too cool to be smug.

  13. Amanda February 23, 2011 at 03:18 #

    Hey, I found your blog through ICLW 🙂

    As I read it, I couldn’t stop nodding my head. I could have written this post myself. I went through two miscarriages last year, and have gotten pregnant twice out of the four times I’ve ovulated. Before the m/c, my friends sister had three miscarriages, pretty much back to back, and I remember feeling resentful. Each time I found out she was pregnant, I thought, well, at least she’s getting pregnant easily. And now here I am, in the middle of our first cycle officially ‘trying’ again, and I’m terrified.

    Like you, my first was sooo happy. We told everyone. The second I was more cautious, but everyone told me how common it was to have a m/c with your first pregnancy, so I thought I must be in the clear. And now…it’s sad to say, but I don’t know how I will react when I see those two lines again. Right now, those two lines are almost like the new ovulation. Just a stepping stone. A heartbeat is the real BFP.

    Thanks for sharing this, it’s nice to know someone is feeling the same way as me.

    ICLW #117

    • Amanda February 23, 2011 at 03:19 #

      Sorry, I left the wrong link, this is the right one…www.ourfertility.blogspot.com

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