10 Feb

I’ve been working on a kind of funny/kind of ranty post on and off today, and I promise I will post it a bit later (yes, you subscribers will have to deal with two emails in your inboxes today, sorry).

But something happened today – just now actually, that I really wanted to write about. I kind of don’t know how to tell this story, so I’m sorry if I’m a bit rambling.

Let’s start with 2 facts that you need to know for context:

The first, is that in my yoga classes, my instructor usually does about ten minutes at the end of just lying on your back with your eyes closed. I usually walk out quietly during those ten minutes because I can’t lay still for that long without feeling major anxiety.

The second, is for the last year or two, when I drive, or walk,  or do anything that requires me to be alone without distraction, I listen to audiobooks (usually harry potter). This helps me keep my mind from wandering, which as above, leads to major anxiety.

So today I FINALLY got to yoga – after two weeks that I hadn’t gone because of crazy work and a blown-out back. It was a class with a different instructor – he does vinyasa (sp?) which is far quieter and slower than the class I usually go to – Ashtanga. But I like this guy lots, and I was jonesing for a class – so off I went. In the car, ipod in my ears, audiobook playing.

The class was great – though I was a bit rusty due to two weeks of sitting and staring at excel spreadsheets.

Then came the last part of the class. Before the 10 minutes of just laying there – this instructor told us to sit, cross legged and just be aware of our breathing. He said something like “our body always breathes, until we die”. This sentence alone would have usually sent me sprinting out of the room, because that word is a trigger for me. But no. I sat there. quiet. Breathing.

Then the weirdest thing happened. I started meditating on an image. First – I never meditate – let alone on an image. Second – the image, was, well – it was what I saw come out of me during my second miscarriage. It was that bit of tissue  – that tiny bit – that when i saw it, I knew it was the baby.

I’m sorry if it’s an uncomfortable description for you to read.

But i looked at it, there in my head, with my eyes closed.

At the time, when it came out of me – I flushed it. I wanted nothing to do with it. I cried. I only got a one second glimpse of it. But apparently it was such a painful picture that it stayed. Though I never called up that image. It was buried in the back of my mind.

And today – for ten minutes straight – I looked at it. I looked and looked and saw that i could look at it – without fear. Some sadness, yes. But I could look.

After ten minutes of sitting and breathing he instructed us to lay down. Let our bodies surrender completely to gravity. And I started meditating on that word – surrender.

And my mind drifted on. This month – sometime in the next thirty days – I was supposed to give birth to a baby.

I meditated on that. Birth. Surrender. Birth. Surrender.



I am in the midst of precisely that. Rebirth. And I know it’s happening now – I can feel it. My friends can feel it. My husband sees it. Everybody keeps on saying “wow, you sound great.”

And I say – thanks. I feel pretty good. Not great. But I’m ok – you know?


And I lay there in the class, breathing. Surrendering.

When the class was over I walked out – and as per my usual habit I  turned on the ipod and hit play. The words of the narrator started – and then I paused. I said – no. No. I want music. I want to hear music. I don’t want a distraction. I want to feel the feelings I have right now.

Surrender. Rebirth. Joy.

Yes. Joy.

And I put on some songs, and I hopped in the car, and I sang and sang at the top of my lungs. And I got to the house – opened the door, still singing. And I hugged and kissed my husband. And I started crying and he looked at me and asked what happened.

And I answered.

“I’m Ok.”

18 Responses to “Birth/Rebirth”

  1. Elphaba February 10, 2011 at 22:59 #

    Oh, I love this post and I love the moment you experienced. That’s just so wonderful.

    I think a lot about that “bit” that got flushed down the toilet (in fact, I need to post about it), and you are a brave woman to make yourself look at it. I’m so glad you’re finding peace–you’re amazing.


    PS-You DRIVE with your headphones on?? You’re going to kill yourself!

    • mommyodyssey February 10, 2011 at 23:07 #

      Thanks so much. 🙂
      And don’t worry – the volume is always low, or I only have a bud in one ear, so I can hear it, but also can hear honking horns/breaks/sirens etc. So it’s safe. I’m paranoid about that stuff. So it’s all good.

  2. Marie February 10, 2011 at 23:20 #

    I have, I think, written about that “bit,” and I too was going to reprimand you for headphones in the car. Speaking of reprimands, have you quit smoking yet?!

    What a wonderful experience for you – and I could feel it, to some extent, right along with you. Yoga is so great. I used to cry in yoga classes all the time – best feeling ever. I miss it.

    • Elphaba February 10, 2011 at 23:41 #

      Mo, I think you’ll find a similar kind of thing happens when you do acupuncture. It has this effect on me that lets down all my guards. I was practically glowing after my session yesterday.

      PS-Did you ever see in my comments when I said I was going to start calling you Mo? I’m going to call you Mo, because it’s cute and it suits you.

      • mommyodyssey February 11, 2011 at 00:51 #

        I did see it – I Actually meant to reply to that and forgot. I love mo. I think I’ll keep it. 🙂
        You know my real name (which I won’t mention here to fool the google machine), and even for the israelis it’s kind of hard to come up with a good nickname for it. So yay Mo!
        And if acupuncture does the same thing as yoga – I’m totally in!

    • mommyodyssey February 11, 2011 at 00:53 #

      thanks marie.
      When I quit smoking – trust me, you will know it! I actually have an appointment with the shrink on the 15th where I will bring up the subject again. Now that the meds are finally balanced out I think I’m ready to go for it. I believe he will also give his blessing, and we will figure out a plan. It’s not easy – but I’m going for it. And soon.

  3. bodegabliss February 11, 2011 at 00:50 #

    I loved this post! (and thank you everyone for reprimanding her for the headphones, now I don’t have to. Glad you’re safe!)

    I’m so happy you’re feeling all of that! You feel okay! Yay! Doesn’t it feel great when you get that surge? I keep planning to start yoga, maybe this will inspire me to actually do it.

    • mommyodyssey February 11, 2011 at 00:57 #

      It really does feel awesome. And I haven’t felt it in so long, it’s rather remarkable.
      Court – you absolutely HAVE TO go for yoga. I was hella-skeptical when I went in, but my instinct told me it would do me some good, and it has done wonders!
      Not to mention – it’s all about strengthening your pelvic area. Very good for wanna-be mommies like ourselves. 🙂
      I really do think you’d love it. I’m actually surprised you haven’t tried it yet. It suits your spirit, methinks.

      PS You guys are so cute for worrying about me. *hugs*

      • bodegabliss February 11, 2011 at 05:20 #

        You know what’s funny? I have a hard time getting myself to go around here because you can’t find one here without it seeming like you stepped into a damn commune of love and peace. If “namaste” isn’t a part of your every day greetings, then you’re not welcome. It’s that kind of thing! I want to go and have people talk to me like a normal human being. Do you know what I mean? I understand that there is a spiritual side to it, but just be real about it. And it’s near impossible to find that here. So really, I’m the one with the problem because I can’t get past that and make it about my own personal journey. I don’t know. Am I making sense, or am I just a jerk?

        • bodegabliss February 11, 2011 at 05:22 #

          OH! and also…funny you say that about how it suits my spirit…did you see the title of my blog post today? Tim went to the party with our friend that night because he was told there would be “hot yoga chicks” there. He met me instead. HAHAHAHA.

        • Marie February 11, 2011 at 10:00 #

          And it’s flippin’ expensive.

        • mommyodyssey February 11, 2011 at 12:06 #

          Ok – I totally get what you’re saying. I had the same kind of feeling when I walked into my yoga studio for the first time.
          Then I met my instructor, who didn’t say namaste even once, is married to a guy I went to middle school with, and likes to call all that dreadlocked-namaste stuff “poga” short for “poser yoga”
          Just find the studio that’s closest to you, take a trial class, and go with the flow. I have a tips for you to help get you over the namaste hump:
          1) If the class you take starts with an “ohm” chant don’t freak out. It’s not a worship thing, it’s a breathing thing. Just try to do it.
          2) There will be people there who are so flexible you will have the urge to feel bad about yourself. Don’t. Do what you can, and if you can’t do a position with a smile on your face, you’re doing it wrong.
          3) Some classes end with a sort of “bow” to the teacher. Again, remember, this is the same thing as bowing to a karate instructor. It’s just a gesture of thanks, not worship.
          4) just in general remember that yoga as a whole has nothing to do with religion, or even spirituality (though some people make that connection by choice). All it is is a way to get better connected to your body, strengthen it, and breathe.
          OK. I’m done now. 🙂

  4. Artistmouse February 11, 2011 at 02:31 #

    Thank you for this post! I hope I find a moment like this at some point.

  5. slcurwin February 12, 2011 at 05:05 #

    That is so unbelievably good. I know all about distraction and not “feeling what I’m feeling” and when you get to a point when you can just let it happen then thats pretty damn nice. I’m really glad that you were able to do that.

  6. me0me February 14, 2011 at 16:39 #

    I came out of this one like I do from a particularly profound scene in a good show or movie. That was life asserting babe. Thanks for your just about daily courage here. It’s inspirational (and many times funny 🙂 )

  7. rachael d February 21, 2011 at 14:38 #

    As weird as this is going to sound, I love this post. Right now I am 6 weeks pregant and all I picture is the red in the toilet 2 years ago. Reading about your healing has really inspired me to work on mine, because I don’t know that I really have healed. I know I haven’t because all I imagine is this little guy in me now, (who we’ve nicknamed Fred Astaire), meeting the same fate in the toilet. So again, thank you for this.
    *here for icomleavwe*

    • mommyodyssey February 21, 2011 at 16:55 #

      Hi, and thanks. It means a lot that some of my journey may be helpful to others. Crossing my fingers for you that Fred Astaire keeps on dancing!

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