The Upside of 2 Miscarriages

7 Feb

Yes – your eyes are not deceiving you. I’m four months after the 2nd MC, and less than a month away from my first due date. There’s been a lot of bitching, yearning, wishing, and moaning on this blog, but I think it’s time to look at the upside. I’m not a “glass half full” person usually, but since I’m making a huge effort to improve my life, I want to see what this half full thing is all about for a change. So here we go – the upside of having 2 miscarriages:

1) Anesthesia Shmanesthesia!

My first pregnancy was a blighted ovum, and I needed a D&C under general anesthesia. I had never had to have that in my life, and it scared the crap out of me. Now that I’ve been through it once, I know that I’ll feel better about it if I have to go through it again.

2) From on the fence to all aboard

Shmerson and I decided to TTC together, but when I got my first BFP, he seemed a bit apprehensive and unsure about it all. After the first MC, he realized how much he really wanted to, and was ready to be, a father.

3) Love Thy Body

I never really took good care of myself. Smoking, caffeine, not exercising enough, yo-yo weight loss and gain. I was never really “connected” to my body. Even before getting pregnant for the first time, it was an issue I was contending with. Going through this has made me take a serious look at how I treat my body, and has made me work on treating it better. So far, I’ve cut my caffeine intake in half, I go to yoga 2-3 times a week, and I have a plan in place to quit smoking for good. I’ve had blood tests done for the first time in about a decade, and I’m very aware of every message my body sends me. It means I spend just a bit too much time on Dr. Go Ogle, but I am treating my body with respect for the first time in my life, more or less.

4) De-nile is once again only a river in Egypt (current political situation notwithstanding)

Hitting the inevitable wall of my existential crisis has made me deal with my mental health issues properly for the first time. I’m more aware of my mood swings, I’m taking care of what I can from a happy-pill perspective, but more importantly, I am, for the first time examining what lies beneath my anxiety and depression.

5) Hi life, nice to meet you!

I have learned that quick decisions will most likely lead to heartbreak and regret, and I understand the importance of thinking small. Not every decision has to be one that changes my life, and not every decision has to come from a place of pure practicality or pure fantasy. In short – I’m finally living my own life, rather than imagining another one while living something that is making me unhappy.

Even more importantly, I have stopped denying myself the pleasure that is spending time with the people I love. My family, and my amazing friends who have stuck by me through all of this (I know you’re reading this – I love you guys!)

6) Scenes from a Marriage

I have not been a picnic during these last 7 months. And shmerson and I have only been married for 8. This basically means that most of the first year of our marriage will always be remembered as one of the most difficult times in my life, and his as well, I’m sure. However, the fact that we’re still together, we’re still honest with each other, we still take care of each other, and we still love each other proves that we can get through almost anything and make it to the other side together.

7) Me, meet Me. It’s time you got to know each other.

Me: remember when we used to be completely detached from our feelings?

Me: yeah, that kinda sucked for us.

Me: yep. it did.

Me: it still kind of sucks because sometimes I’m not sure if we’re making decisions for ourselves or for the approval of the people around us.

Me: That’s true. But at least now we’re looking into it. That’s progress.

Me: Good point.

Me: Hey! look at that! We finally agree on something!

Me: *sneaks off to watch “16 and pregnant”*

Me: hey – come back here! We’re not done blogging yet.

Me: right. Ok.

8 ) Embracing the Process, Finding Perspective

I’m in a battle every day. For my sanity, for my identity, for my future, and for my family. I’m fighting to regain myself. I’m fighting to re-build myself, brick by brick. It’s a battle, but within that I have a new sense of perspective. I have always been a drama queen. Now that I know what real drama is, my imaginary dramas very rarely take over my life. It’s a battle I’m embracing. It’s a battle I’m celebrating. I’ve discovered strength I never believed I had, and I am beginning to accept and forgive my weaknesses.

9) This Blog O’mine, These Ladies O’mine

As a person who has been introducing herself as a writer/director for the last decade or so, I admit, I’ve done very little writing in the last few years. I lost my passion for it. This blog, which was started from a place of darkness and despair, has now rekindled my passion for writing. I look forward to every word I write and publish here. I have small moments of victory when I know I’ve come up with something funny or profound. But more importantly, I am teaching myself to create without judgement. I publish my crappy posts. I publish my good posts. I don’t judge myself, I just write.

About two weeks into this blog, when I thought I was only writing for myself and a tiny handful of friends, SLC from Holy Crap! commented on one of my posts. I thought to myself “who is this chick and how the heck did she find me?”, and then I thought “thank goodness that she did.” She was my doorway into the amazing community and support that I have found here. She was my first shoulder, my first light at the end of the tunnel, and the first person in the world I found who just “got it.” I will always be grateful to her for this, and I am so happy to say that beyond this blog, I have found her as a true friend for life. (sorry lady, you’re stuck with me and you know it!)

And she was just the first. She was my foot in the door.

From there came Elphaba (aka the funniest and one of the most profound writers I have ever had the pleasure of reading, not to mention an all-around awesome chick), Bodega Bliss (my sister from another mother), Marie (my voice of reason, who always gives the best advice ever), Hemlock (the “can you please stop writing everything that’s going on in my head?” lady), Kristin (my purple-haired, generous role model for supporting other women in our little community), Missohkay (my ray of hope in the face of  being not exactly IF) and so so so many other amazing women (it would take dozens of posts to mention  all of you, but know that you are loved, and man, is this feeling like an oscar speech or what? I’d like to thank the Academy while I’m at it). These women, you amazing women, who make me laugh, make me cry, and most of all, make me feel like I am not alone – to say that you are awesome, amazing, inspiring, and all-around spectacular is an understatement.

I never really believed that something as simple as a blog would make me discover a whole new community. Would make me feel so loved. You ladies will forever mean the world to me. Sorry I’m gushing. It happens on occasion. You all do it too sometimes so there. 🙂

10) When the day finally comes….

That I hold a baby in my arms, that will be mine, no matter what journey Shmerson and I take to get there, I will truly and fully appreciate the miracle. I will fully understand and acknowledge, and feel eternally grateful to hold that blessing in my arms.

I guess the glass is even a bit more than half full.

21 Responses to “The Upside of 2 Miscarriages”

  1. Kiki February 7, 2011 at 02:22 #

    Bravo for you! Well said!

  2. Kristin February 7, 2011 at 05:21 #

    Brilliant post! The hell of infertility was hell but it has brought me so much.

    • mommyodyssey February 7, 2011 at 12:42 #

      Thanks Kristin. Elphaba’s recent post about balance really got me thinking about this stuff. At the end of the day, it seems that most of the bad ends up being balanced out in some way. It’s really rather remarkable.

  3. Hemlock February 7, 2011 at 07:15 #

    Excellent post! *hugs*

  4. Cattiz J February 7, 2011 at 13:10 #

    This was inspiring to read. This community is full of amazing support!

  5. Elphaba February 7, 2011 at 16:29 #

    Wonderful post! (Especially the nice things you said about me ;))

    I love all your points and they’re all so true.

    PS-Somehow, I didn’t realize the second miscarriage was only four months ago. Seriously woman, you are doing freaking amazing to be saying all this after just four months. I could barely string a sentence together after four months.

    • Marie February 7, 2011 at 18:29 #

      What she said.

      At four months, I was a little ball of anger and frustration, making my hatred for pregnant women known to anyone willing to listen to me. There was no perspective, no upside, no gratitude for the blessings I did have.

      But shit – between you getting all deep with us, and Elphaba getting all religious, and SLC going to church, I guess I know what subject I’m going to have to tackle tonight.

      • mommyodyssey February 7, 2011 at 19:08 #

        Thanks guys.
        Yes, the second MC was only four months ago, but I’ve had the luxury of a heck of a lot of support, not to mention anti-depressants and a pretty awesome therapist to help me process it all. And there are still days I want to throw stuff at pregnant women, trust me. It’s a work-in-progress 🙂
        And Marie – no pressure. You can continue to talk about Vegas as much as you want. Both it and Disneyland are the happiest places on earth, so why the heck not?

      • Elphaba February 7, 2011 at 19:51 #

        Excuse me!? I was getting anti-religious there.

        • slcurwin February 7, 2011 at 20:16 #

          ahahahahahahahahahahahahah. You’re so cute. I imagined you stomping your feet there.

  6. slcurwin February 7, 2011 at 20:16 #

    You made me cry a little there, and yes, I love you too, I’ll keep you.

  7. bodegabliss February 8, 2011 at 00:09 #

    How great to look at it like this. And I couldn’t agree more with the fact that as awful as all of this is, at least I’ve found you guys. What an awesome consolation prize, you know?

    And I’m pretty sure slcurwin was the first person to find me as well. How do you do that, slcurwin? And thank you!

    • slcurwin February 8, 2011 at 02:00 #

      It’s a tallent. lol. Glad to be of service.

      • Marie February 8, 2011 at 07:10 #

        She searches “miscarriage” as a tag word. This must be belying a sadistic tendency.

        • slcurwin February 9, 2011 at 03:14 #

          Wouldn’t that be more of the masocist? and yes I do search for more of us out there in my spare time.

  8. me0me February 8, 2011 at 01:41 #

    It has certainly made you feel closer, this blog. And all the other half full crap is good and valid too 🙂 really though, it’s been hella good to be reading this.

  9. Esperanza February 25, 2011 at 03:06 #

    What an amazing post. As a miscarriage survivor myself I have also recognized some of the “positives” of losing my first pregnancy. This is a great list though! I hadn’t thought of many of these. One similarity we share is the start of our blogs. My blog also started a few months after my ectopic and has rekindled a long lost love of writing. Now it is a place that I am proud of and call home. For that I am forever grateful. Thanks for sharing this.

    I look forward to following you!

    Happy ICLW! (#67)


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