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Conversations with my therapist

26 Jan

I walk in today, still feeling down, still unsure of everything.

Me: I’m so confused. I met with a head hunter and she told me what my potential income would be for a full time job, and for freelance and part time, and basically said that in terms of where we live, I have to take into consideration at least a 40 minute commute because there’s nothing in the area.

Her: Ok

Me: And I had a meeting at that community center, and they love me and want me to teach there, but they’re not sure whether they have space for me this year. I’ll know next week. Either way the salary is crap.

Her: Ok.

Me: And I figured out that the best way to move forward in terms of getting a film off the ground is to go for this grant along with the guy who wrote “make-up” with me – because I think it would be good to have the safety net of a writing partner and it just makes sense.

Her: Ok. So what’s wrong?

Me: I’m freaking out! I’m depressed! I don’t know what I want! I don’t know anything!

Her: *laughs*

Me: What’s so funny?

Her: You actually know quite a bit.

Me: Huh?

Her: You’ve just spent 10 minutes giving me your current options, with real, concrete explanations. This is the first time you’ve ever done that. There was no fantasy – just real steps to getting somewhere.

Me: Really?

Her: Really.

Me: huh. But I don’t know! I can’t make a decision! I’m so scared!

Her: What scares you?

Me: *15 minute rant in which I list everything I’ve ever been afraid of* Oh, and I’m going to die.

Her: None of this stuff has happened to you.

Me: I know. I tell that to myself. And then I get around it by telling myself that whatever happens I’m going to die eventually. ***

Her: Well, making decisions isn’t going to kill you.

Me: I know it’s not rational, but this is what I tell myself and then I start having an anxiety attack.

Her: (keep in mind that this woman rarely says more than three sentences per session – so this was mind blowing) You know what I think? I think that this thought is actually your insecurity  – your fear of living. Every time you stick your head out the door – that thought sneaks up and goes “Boo! get back into that dark room!” Every single time. Because you don’t have faith in yourself. You know how last week we spent the entire session talking about make-up? Well, guess what? I didn’t need to talk about make up. You did. I saw make up. I know what you’re worth and it’s a heck of a lot. And it’s not just in movies. You’re smart, you’re talented in so many ways, and yet you cling to other people telling you this rather than believing it yourself. So every time you peak your head out the door that little thought sneaks up on you and says “Boo! You’re not good enough! Get back in the corner!” And you listen. You just need to realize how wonderful you are, and maybe that thought won’t sneak up on you as often.

Me: *head explodes*

Me: *miraculously does not have a panic attack during this entire conversation*

Me: But I’m scared. I’m scared that if I’m happy I’ll die.

Her: I promise you you are no more likely to die than the rest of us.

Me: *bawling. still no panic attack*

Holy jeez guys – I think the zoloft is starting to work. (not to mention that my therapist is a brilliant and amazing lady)

 

***this is the first time I’ve voiced this in writing, and maybe only the third time I’ve expressed it out loud in any way.Simply writing it out is making me anxious. But no panic attack, so progress!

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13 Responses to “Conversations with my therapist”

  1. bodegabliss January 26, 2011 at 01:27 #

    That’s so great! I’m so happy it was such a successful session and you’re feeling good!

  2. Hemlock January 26, 2011 at 02:55 #

    YAY!!! Progress is always good! I’ve never had to deal with anxiety, but my husband has (mild OCD as well). So, while I may not completely understand why people feel anxiety, I DO know what a big deal it is to overcome. Gratz!

    • mommyodyssey January 26, 2011 at 03:05 #

      thanks! I’m not over the hump yet, but I think I’m slowly getting there. In case you don’t check it – take a look at the comment thread on my previous post re: your husband. *hugs*

  3. slcurwin January 26, 2011 at 04:55 #

    I see “I’m going to die eventually” as more of an incentive to do stuff than not to.

    Glad you didn’t have a panic attack.

    • mommyodyssey January 26, 2011 at 16:30 #

      yep – that would be the logical way of looking at it, wouldn’t it? 🙂

  4. jjiraffe January 26, 2011 at 04:58 #

    Here from ICLW, just wanted to say that your therapist sounds amazing. I’ve suffered from panic attacks at various times and they suck. Best of luck to you on your journey…

  5. Kristin January 26, 2011 at 05:09 #

    Sounds like you have a really great therapist. I’m glad you are doing a bit better.

  6. Elphaba January 26, 2011 at 15:43 #

    Sounds like a great session and lots of great options in front of you. It will fall into place–I’m sure of it!

  7. Rochelle January 28, 2011 at 05:10 #

    Yay for progress! This makes me want to give it another go around soon. I just always hit that point of thinking I’m better off without the meds and it’s all downhill from there.

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