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Career Day Freak Out

23 Jan

Ok – so some of you know that I’ve been slowly and quietly taking steps to cut the metaphorical chord with my dad and leave the family business.
I haven’t posted much about it in a while because it’s been sort of a slow simmer, but tomorrow (actually, like, 5 hours from now at this point) is kind of a huge day, and I have been quietly freaking out about it for the last 48 hours.
At first I thought it was yet another side effect of upping the zoloft dose. But no – I really think I’m just hella-scared.
Freak-out symptom number one: I realize that I have absolutely no appropriate clothes to wear, and obsess about it in my head for several hours. finally settle on a compromised ensemble that says both “quirky” and “professional” and am hoping for the best.
Freak out symptom two: I get detached, stare at mindless programming for several hours. This happens immediately after printing out two copies of my resume.
Freak out symptom three: I start googling “zoloft side effects” again.
Symptom four: despite the lovely little xanax I took a few hours ago, I have an anxiety attack while in the shower.
then I proceed to slipping on the last stair on the way down to bed, hurt my hip joint, and am now convinced that I’m going to limp into my meetings tomorrow looking like a freaking mess.
this was the point where I decided to “blog it out”

so what am I so jittery about, you ask?
Well – that’s the extremely stupid part. I’m nervous about 2 meetings, both of which would have been a piece of cake for the old me, but are now terrifying for the “What the heck am I going to do with my life” brand spanking new me.

Meeting number one:
There’s a community center in my town that does after school film programs for high school students. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about pursuing teaching for a bit to get my creative juices flowing, so since it’s the middle of the school year, I sent these guys my resume. I actually studied there for a while in high school. It’s a very cool place.
So last week they give me a call, hella-impressed with me (not bragging, it’s just what happened). The woman actually asked me “you do know you’re applying to teach high school kids, right?”
I said “yes! it’s exactly what I want to do right now!”
(which I guess is sort of a lie since i have no idea what i want to do but oh well).
So she was psyched, and I’m meeting up with them at 9:30 am (that would be about 7 hours from now, and I’m not even close to asleep. Very very bad me).
This would be a piece of cake meeting for me usually. Same with…
Meeting number 2:
There’s a headhunter that specializes in placing film and media people. She’s very exclusive and selective. My old boss recommended I get in touch and so I did. Once again, I received a gushing call that was hella-impressed with my credentials.
I’m meeting up with her tomorrow to discuss my goals and see what kind of gigs she can hook me up with.
Again – this should all be a piece of cake for me. I eat these kinds of meetings for breakfast.
WHY THE HELL AM I FREAKING OUT?
Me: it’s because you’re convinced that these meetings will forever seal your future. It’s a symptom of anxiety.
Me: But what if they will? Or what if they don’t like me? Or even worse – what if they do and I get a job and I end up being stuck there forever and never pursuing my dream?
Me: Um – do you even know what your dream is? You know, except the whole baby thing?
Me: well, no. And that’s freaking me out too!
Me: Calm the heck down. it’s ok. remember what our therapist said. You build a house brick by brick.
Me: But that means that there’s no roof yet! What if it rains? What if my necklace clashes with the tunic I picked out? What if they’re offended by the purple tights?
Me: what if you calm the heck down and go to sleep already so you don’t show up with bags under your eyes?
Me: Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

Oy.

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6 Responses to “Career Day Freak Out”

  1. slcurwin January 23, 2011 at 03:13 #

    Ok, quirky is not bad, so long as you quirk. It fits. And this isn’t going to hold you down forever. It’s a potential job that is closer to what you want to end up doing. And what if you end up loving it so friggin’ much you realized that you do want to do it forever? Remember there is always the “quit” button which is much better than the “didnt bother because I might not want it” button.

    Just go in there and charm their pant off and remember they already like you.

    • Marie January 23, 2011 at 05:54 #

      What she said.

  2. Kristin January 23, 2011 at 07:29 #

    You are going to rock their world and whatever job you get offered will be a stepping stone. Besides, you have plenty of time to pursue whatever becomes your dream. My friend Monica over at Rantings of a Creole Princess Has always dreamed of directing films.In her late 30s, Monica took classes at a film school. That summer, she managed to intern with Spike Lee. Last year, at the age of 40, she produced and directed her first short film which got into multiple film festivals and won best short at one of them. Age is never a barrier to reaching your dreams. Go for it.

  3. Mrs. Gamgee January 23, 2011 at 07:40 #

    I get the anxiety (really I do), but at risk of repeating what Kristin said… age doesn’t affect opportunity. I think it just makes you appreciate it more. I’m sure you’ll do great at the meetings, and remember that if they don’t work out it just means that there’s a better fit for you somewhere else.

  4. Hemlock January 23, 2011 at 10:47 #

    Scary or not… this is good! Very good! Deep breaths, they LOVE you!

  5. mommyodyssey January 23, 2011 at 10:58 #

    Thanks so much ladies!
    Apart from a wardrobe malfunction in the morning, the first meeting went fantastic! Basically, they want me there – it’s just a question of when I’ll start. So yay!
    Makes me feel a heck of a lot better about this afternoon. I’ll update when I get back!
    xoxo

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