Due Date is Coming Up Fast

20 Jan

I was supposed to be around 7 and a half months now. My belly was supposed to be huge. We would probably be attending birthing classes, and deciding silly things like what color to paint the nursery (purple, if it’s a girl, of course), and whether I wanted to do things au natural or get drugged up.

March 1st. That’s the due date of our first lost baby. And it’s coming up. Faster than expected. Just over a month away.

I’ve been kind of debating about what to do about it. If anything. There’s a second due date coming up as well – ironically, around me and shmerson’s one year anniversary.

I want our anniversary to be a happy one, so I’ve decided to acknowledge the first due date and, well, ignore the second one completely in favor of remembering the happiest night of my life instead. I think that’s the healthy thing to do.

I’ve sort of had it stuck in my head that after March 1st, Shmerson and I will start TTC again.

We’ve talked about it. We both really want to start trying again, like, now. But we both know a bit of restraint is called for. So yeah, starting after March 1st seems like the right thing to do – but of course, if we’re not ready by then, it will wait.

So I’ve been contemplating how to commemorate the day. And I think that I’ve decided. I will be getting that tattoo. On March 1st, my two babies will be acknowledged by two small butterflies that will be tattooed on my left ankle (yes, I know at first I was thinking stars, but butterflies make more sense).

They will be there to remind me of my losses,  and to remind myself of my ability to crawl out of the muck. Of my strength through pain.

I will “give birth” to that pain by getting it inked on.

I’m making the appointment sometime next week (the place I want to go has a waaay long waiting list so I hope they can fit me in). Now I just need to find the appropriate-looking butterflies. I’ve got some ideas.

I think I’ll go for black and white instead of color, because then it’ll take longer to fade.

I really hope – and I have a feeling – that this act with be a sort of catharsis. A way of closing off this terrible and difficult part of my life and moving on to something new and brighter.

March 1st, 2011. Mark your calendars.

8 Responses to “Due Date is Coming Up Fast”

  1. Hemlock January 20, 2011 at 19:26 #

    Love the tattoo! I’ve been waiting to get mine done for quite a while. I just can’t find a place locally where I really like the art they’re doing, and the few quotes I’ve gotten have been horrible… and I’m not asking for much in a tattoo. My other tattoo is about the same size that I’m looking for, and it ran me $90 after tip. Then again, that was almost ten years ago.

    • mommyodyssey January 20, 2011 at 22:49 #

      I don’t think prices have gone up that much. What’s your first tattoo? I’ve got a faerie on my left shoulder blade.

  2. Marie January 20, 2011 at 20:03 #

    On our due date, Doug & I went to visit some friends in Portland, went to the arboretum, and wandered around in all that beauty, just being together. My friend took some pictures for us (ironically, they look like engagement photos). We didn’t talk about it, we just took the day off quietly, and made sure it was special.

    • mommyodyssey January 20, 2011 at 22:48 #

      That’s a great way to acknowledge it. 🙂

  3. runnyyolk January 20, 2011 at 22:44 #

    I kind of ignored our due date… not sure why. I guess I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t there. I like the idea of celebrating your marriage instead. That’s good.

  4. missohkay January 20, 2011 at 23:42 #

    My first miscarriage anniversary (what a thing to mark!) and second due date are both looming. I’ll try to take a cue from you and celebrate instead – Valentine’s Day fits nicely in between those two dates! The tattoo idea is lovely – you should post pics when it’s done 🙂

    • mommyodyssey January 21, 2011 at 00:11 #

      Thanks I’m definitely planning on posting pics!

  5. slcurwin January 21, 2011 at 04:58 #

    I like that butterfly, it’s nice. I’m still thinking baby feet for me. Make sure you and hubby have a nice time together to help ease to pain of the day.

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