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Pathetic, Really

17 Jan

So my last post was all about me being “bla”. I’ve been trying to figure out what made me feel like this after such a wonderful weekend. Part of it, I’m sure, is adjusting to the new Zoloft dose, but part of it has been that my absolute longing for a baby has been re-ignited in what I think is a rather unhealthy way.

See – I’ve really been trying this whole patience thing. It’s been working on and off mostly for the last month.

I know there are steps that need to be taken before Shmerson and I TTC again. Here! Let me outline them for you!

1) I need to quit smoking (again).

2) I need to be in a place where I no longer need to rely on xanax for anxiety.

3) I need to get through all of my blood tests and make sure everything is ok with me health-wise.

4) Shmerson and I need to be in a place where we’re financially stable long term.

We’ve been taking steps for all of these things, and they really do seem like they are around the corner. 1, 2, and 3 are most likely happening within the next month, and 4 – though far more complicated – is well on it’s way.

But still – I need patience. And one of the best things in my life is testing that patience.

This is Luna:

Top photo courtesy of Squish, of course.

Ok – I am definitely the farthest from objective here, but she is the best doggy ever.

Shmerson and I adopted her in May of ’08, when she was about 5 months old.

This was fairly early in our relationship but we didn’t really care because it was obvious that we were both in it for the long haul.

When I first saw her picture on a dog adoption board I just knew in my heart she would be ours. We drove two hours to meet her and took her home immediately, and two days later, she was already whining when one of us left the house.

Luna is sensitive, she likes to cuddle, and I will be the first to admit that she is incredibly needy and could probably use a bit of training (once we can afford it).

But this dog is so incredibly smart an loving even without that. I love her to bits, unconditionally.

My family always teases us that we treat her like an ad-hoc baby. And we do. We have conversations about how to raise her, we babble to her in baby talk, we are over-protective of her and we cuddle with her. A lot.

Yesterday, I picked her up and cradled her in my arms. She, as usual gave herself over to my cradling immediately. I looked at her for a moment and realized that I was holding her as if I was holding a baby.

The longing in my stomach became almost unbearable. I started to realize that I was trying to make her fill a void that she never could.

I spent the rest of the evening melancholy, and when shmerson and I went to sleep last night, two seconds before he was away in dream land, I said to him “Shmerson, I want a baby.”

He answered “Soon. Very soon.”

Then I couldn’t sleep and I thought I would blog about it. But then I thought – what’s the point? I mean, this longing has never really gone away. It was just that moment of realization that made it more poignant at the time.

It took me all day today to process the fact that this amazing little puppy is a trigger. I just hope I don’t hold it against her (and against myself).

Urgh.

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3 Responses to “Pathetic, Really”

  1. Rebecca January 18, 2011 at 00:46 #

    Stopping by from LFCA to welcome you to the IF blogosphere! I’m sorry for your previous loss and hope that you are able to meet your goals soon so that you can move forward with your desire to become a parent. It looks like Luna is a wonderful support and comfort to you. Our dogs have also been our babies for the past few years and I am SO incredibly thankful we’ve had them by our sides with everything that has happened over the past year. They are so amazing at loving us unconditionally. I hope you’re able to reconcile your feelings about Luna and see her as the lovely little support she is for you. Wishing you all the best in your journey to build your family ((hugs))

    • mommyodyssey January 18, 2011 at 00:53 #

      Hi Rebecca thanks so much for visiting and for your support! Hugs right back at you. 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Ok, We Don’t Really Need a Second Dog « mommyodyssey - February 12, 2011

    […] Me: I see. Um, no chance in hell. We already have Luna […]

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