Confronting it head on

8 Jan

Ok – let’s start with a quick note. As you know, I keep this blog anonymous. This is not because I’m ashamed of what I’m going through – it’s just because I know the power of google, and because of my profession I don’t want to take any chances, and if I’m afraid of being judged or stigmatized, I would not be as open as I am here. Though I promise you – if you email me and ask I will happily give you my real name! 🙂

So readers have already met Shmerson, and Squish, and some other amazing people in my life.

Today, I want to tell you about pup-maker. Let’s call her PM for short. I’ve mentioned her in passing in earlier posts. I told her I was going to blog about her today, and she picked her own nickname, which was fun!

PM and I have been friends for years. During high school, we were inseparable. We grew apart for a while, but in the last couple of years we have gotten very close again.

About a year ago, PM had a miscarriage. It was a very devastating experience for her – and came with a bunch of rather traumatic medical complications.

At the time Shmerson and I weren’t even married yet – so I admit that on some level I didn’t know how to be a friend to her when she went through this, though I did my best.

When I got my first BFP, PM was one of the first people I called. And I called her freaking out. I was very much afraid of miscarrying at the time (self-fulfilling prophecy or female instinct?) and she was a huge source of support.

She has been amazing during this six-month ordeal.

Before we got back in touch, PM went through a breakdown very similar to mine. She had a traumatic experience and suffered from anxiety and depression (this was before she was married and TTC). She worked hard to get through it, and did it amazingly – yet she never really shared much of her experience with me.

About a month ago, PM called and told me she was nearing the end of her first trimester.

She had waited almost a year before TTC again, and at the time I didn’t understand why – now I do – she needed time to heal and mourn.

When PM called me to tell me the news, I was – surprisingly – genuinely happy for her. I wasn’t bitter at all. There was only just a tinge of jealousy – but not nearly as much as I though there would be.

Yesterday she called me to tell me that it’s going to be a boy. I smiled and said “Great! that means we have to have a girl so we can set them up!”

I meant it. I truly did.

PM and I met up tonight for some girl talk – something we haven’t really had a chance to do since I started this whole healing process. She’s been reading this blog – but this was our first one-on-one convo in a really long time.

It was also the first time I openly talked to her about my battle with anxiety. Imagine that. I’ve known this woman for 15 years now – and most of that time, we were going through a similar struggle, and neither of us shared that struggle with the other – even though we have always been close. Almost like sisters.

I honestly believe that if we had – both of us may have gotten better much sooner.

But that’s for another time.

PM is my first close friend to be preggo. And boy – I am so incredibly grateful it’s her. Because I’ve known her for so long, and I love her so much, a lot of the negative feelings I may have had with someone more distant are just not there.

Because I know what a hard time she had I am genuinely happy for her. and I also feel like I can learn a lot from her experience when Shmerson and I jump on the TTC wagon once more.

I really do feel lucky that this is the way I’m seeing pregnancy up close for the first time since the miscarriage. I can see the ultra sound pictures and look at them with longing, but also true and genuine happiness for her.

One thing that came up toward the end of our conversation today was  something that really did resonate with me. It’s a bit spiritual, coming from a heathen like me, so I hope my fellow heathens forgive me:

We talked about what happens when you ask the universe for something. And it’s not about what you ask for – but rather HOW you ask for it.

I jumped into my first two pregnancies wanting to be a mother, but very much from a place of “it’s the next logical step” and not from a place of “I’m truly ready.”

I think (hope) that an eventual healthy prenancy will come when I not only ask the big spaghetti monster in the sky to bring me a child. It will be how I phrase it.

Spaghetti monster – I am ready. I have healed my body to the best of my ability, and I am working on healing my soul. Please help me bring a child into this world.

I think that then it would be viewed as a far more reasonable – and fulfill-able request.

PM – you are strong and amazing and thank you for being my role model through this roller coaster.

2 Responses to “Confronting it head on”

  1. Hemlock January 8, 2011 at 03:02 #

    Excellent post! Coming from a fellow heathen… what an excellent way to phrase your request. Besides, we all know that the Spaghetti Monster is the most benevolent of them all!

  2. runnyyolk January 8, 2011 at 03:49 #

    Great post. I like the idea of how you ask, rather than what you ask. And it sounds like you have a great friend there.

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