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Life is scary

2 Jan

First thing’s first: runnyyoke, who I’ve already given a shout-out to on this blog, has put down as one of her new year’s resolutions to answer the wordpress challenge and blog once a day. I think it’s an awesome idea (yes, marie – even if it is tedious sometimes!) so I’m joining her. I’ve been blogging at least once a day anyway so I figure – why the heck not? It’s a challenge I set for myself when I started this blog anyway – so why not tag it? 🙂

Now down to business:

Now that the fog of anxiety has somewhat lifted, I’m left with dealing with reality. that means that I need to start resolving some real issues.

Ahh – here’s where things become really tricky.

This is the point where the battle begins. On one hand – I’m used to making snap decisions and going to things in a split second. Do everything and do it now. This is a huge symptom of my control-freakery and impatience. Apparently (now that I finally have some clarity) it was also a direct result of my anxiety, and is basically what brought me to this point in the first place, of waking up one morning and not understanding how the heck my own life ran away from me.

On the other hand – the “new me” is trying to take things slowly, and not jump to decisions too quickly. Which makes sense. It’s the right way to do things. The healthy, non-anxiety-ridden way.

I mean – deciding to give my dad notice was the right decision, and it’s been building up for quite some time. It’s a good decision.

But once that huge decision is made, there is another huge decision to make – what do I do next? How do I make a living that’s enough to keep both me and schmerson afloat AND hopefully support a baby?

And here is where the anxiety kicks back in.

The truth is that I don’t know. I just plain don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Which is funny, because I spent 18 years convinced that I knew. Now – I’m completely clueless.

Everybody around me isn’t worried. According to them I’m a strong woman who is qualified to do quite a bit, that I’m talented, bla bla bla, that I always manage so this time shouldn’t be any different.

They know the Me that jumps into things head first – that at age 19 packed up her things and moved across to ocean to pursue her dream. That supported herself financially and kept up a 3.95 GPA through college, that made two award winning short films with absolutely no financial help, bla bla bla.

Yeah – well that person did everything she did from a place of emotional detachment. This is the new, emotionally connected me. And I’m terrified.

I’m terrified of failure. I’m terrified of making the wrong decision and regretting it later. I’m terrified of not being  good enough. I’m terrified of the unknown.

Always have been. That’s why I spent most of my life with horse blinders on trying to control everything.

In short – right now – life is scaring the crap out of me, and no amount of xanax will make this go away. This is something I’m going to have to deal with all on my own.

I need to somehow find a way to make peace with the fact that sometimes – you just don’t know. In fact – most of the time – you just don’t know.

Terrifying. Seriously terrifying.

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3 Responses to “Life is scary”

  1. Marie January 2, 2011 at 06:53 #

    Not tedious. Difficult. Some days, I feel like there’s nothing to say. Some days, I feel like there’s no time to say it.

    Bakery Closed is a limited-time engagement, and after it ends in April and I move to a new URL, I might not be so bold as to write every single day.

    But more power to you both for at least giving it a try.

    • mommyodyssey January 3, 2011 at 23:33 #

      Thanks. And BTW:
      i would be happy to read what you write every day. 🙂

  2. me0me January 3, 2011 at 17:47 #

    Now that you’re emotionally connected and feeling somewhat like a newborn baby is the time to actually be a financial, real life team with your husband. Start making decisions together not from a place of I’m-the-experienced-one-so-I’m-leading-the-conversation, but from a place of how-can-we-do-this-together-now. I predict a calming effect and eventual happiness. My two cents.

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