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The horses are coming so you better run

28 Dec

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

-From “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence and the Machine

After my second miscarriage, I felt numb. Then I put this song on a loop and finally broke down crying in a way that I hadn’t done before (but have done many times since).

I didn’t think about why those lyrics hit me so hard at the time. Now I think I kind of get it.

The song – at least for me – is about a woman running away from her happiness because she is so afraid of the pain she would have if she lost it.

Shutting herself off from everything she loves, because she is afraid to be hurt.

“Happiness hit her like a train on a track.”

I think that’s how I feel when I’m at my most anxious. Afraid of happiness. Running away from it.

I have been for a long time.

I remember way back when I was 20 – Alanis Morissette came out with her second album – an album which I love to this day. And there was a line in “Thank You” that made me react the same way:

“How about not equating death with stopping”

Have I been running for that long?

That’s a scary thought.

Anxiety and fear are my way to keep control. I think the reason I’ve been struggling so much over the last months is that I am starting to realize that I am tired of running. That I may be ready to accept happiness in my life in longer bursts, and perhaps finally deal with the losses I’ve had in my life.

Not just my miscarriages.

I have never let myself grieve for anything or anyone. So now I am making up for decades of not grieving.

I still have grief for my two lost babies.

I still have grief for Ran Baron, who I loved and was lost in a suicide bombing in 2003. I was 23.

I still have grief for my amazing grandparents, who were lost in a car accident when I was 19.

I still have grief for my innocence, which was lost to date rape. I was 14.

And now it washes over me. All at once. 16 years of grief and pain, masked by anxiety and my constant need to run.

I can’t say that “the dog days are over” for me quite yet. Hopefully this time when they are, I’ll choose to stay still.

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5 Responses to “The horses are coming so you better run”

  1. me0me December 28, 2010 at 04:23 #

    And so she woke up
    From where she was lying still
    Said we got to do something about where we’re going
    Step on a steam train, step out of the driving rain
    Maybe run from the darkness in the night

    Singing ha la la la da day

    Sweet the sin but bitter the taste in my mouth
    I see seven towers but I only see one way out
    You got to cry without weeping, talk without speaking, scream without raising your voice
    You know I took the poison from the poison stream then I floated out of here
    singing ha la la la da day

    She runs through the streets with her eyes painted red
    Under black belly of cloud in the rain
    In through a doorway she brings me white gold and pearls stolen from the sea
    She is raging
    She is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes
    She will suffer the needle chill
    She’s running to stand still

    (running to stand still- U2. Hope it was as appropriate as it felt.)

    She walks through

  2. me0me December 28, 2010 at 04:25 #

    Can’t quite edit on this thing 😛

  3. bodegabliss February 1, 2011 at 22:57 #

    Wow. This is a powerful post. I hadn’t seen that you had posted this, someone I skipped over it in your archives. I like your take on the song even better than mine. (and you should know, I can’t read those lyrics without singing them. and I sound JUST like her. I swear.)

    I’m sorry you’ve gone through all of that. Your article on your friend was beautifully written. He must have been an amazing person to have known.

    • mommyodyssey February 1, 2011 at 23:23 #

      Thanks so much sweetie. He really was.
      PS – you sound just like her? jealous!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Daddy Issues « mommyodyssey - January 4, 2011

    […] think he destroys every wonderful thing that he creates from the same place that I was discussing the other day. Fear of true […]

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