Control Freakery and Easy Answers – or: the problem with wishful thinking

25 Dec

Ok – so one of the absolutely lovely things about this blog is that it’s given me an opportunity to share things with my friends that I’ve been having trouble opening up about.

Yesterday, I told my friend who is at home sick (and at the beginning of her second trimester after a miscarriage last year – yay! Crossing fingers!) to check out the blog. She was a huge support system through both of my failed pregnancies and I really wanted to share this with her.

So – a few hours later she calls me up and says “get a blood test and check your B12 levels! Now!”

It turns out that a couple of years back she had a huge medical/emotional crisis and it was because she had a b12 deficiency.

She said that after reading my blog she saw that I was basically describing exactly what she went through physically and emotionally back then.

So – I hit the google machine immediately of course. I check “B12 deficiency symptoms”

there’s a laundry list and from what I gether, not everyone has all of them. But then I start the checklist:

Miscarriage: check

Deppression: check

Increased Anxiety: check

Lack of ability to concentrate: check

Clumsiness: check

Ringing in ears: not all the time, but definitely on occassion for no good reason. therefore – check

Tingling and numbness in hands or feet: check – but again – only sometimes, so this could be anything

Digestion issues: Check!

Fatigue: Mega-mega-mega-check!

And so I let myself get really excited.

I mean, think about it. If I have a B-12 deficiency, then all of the weirdness will officially have a neat little explanation tied with a pretty bow around it, wouldn’t it?

That would mean no more xanax, no more zoloft adjustment, just B12 shots once in a while and yay! All is good!

It’s not that I’m saying that a B12 deficiency is a wonderful thing – but by god, it would make things a heck of a lot simpler.

Rather than saying “I had a mental and emotional breakdown” I could say “I had a major B12 deficiency and it messed me up – but I’m all good now!”

There would certainly be less judgement attached wouldn’t there? Plus, it would mean a much quicker and most likely less complicated road to healing, and boy – would I like that. Easy answers are always fun.

So I’m going in for blood tests on sunday (they were planned anyway) and they will check my B12 levels

And of course, until sunday evening when those results start rolling in I will be going – to quote my brother: slightly boozangars. (aka driving myself up the wall).

Look – the logical side of my brain is saying that the tests will most likely come up normal. Life is never really that simple and B12 deficiency is NOT that common.

But there is a part of me that would love for all of this to be a truly “legitimate” medical issue. I use quotes because anxiety and depression are legitimate medical issues as well, but society at large does not always view them as such – which sucks.

So now I’m telling myself: Just deal. You’re on zoloft and xanax, you’re going through a hard time, get over  it. There are no neat little bows.


But damn you google machine!

(and thank you to my amazing friend for noticing this and bringing it to my attention because even if this isn’t the case – it’s good to have all of my bases covered)


Patience. Must have patience.


2 Responses to “Control Freakery and Easy Answers – or: the problem with wishful thinking”

  1. slcurwin December 25, 2010 at 09:00 #

    I myself fall into where I assume many others are too. Give me an answer, I dont care what it is, just something so we can work on it.

    • mommyodyssey December 25, 2010 at 16:02 #

      yep. that would be so awesome right now, because so far it’s been nothing but questions. Urgh.

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