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Wanted: Optimism

20 Dec

I’m kind of forcing myself to write today. I don’t particularly feel inspired, and I think today was kind of hard.

It’s not that anything in particular happened, and I think that at the end of the day, that is the problem. Nothing really happened.

Working from home while being depressed is just plain sucky.

I’m trying to figure out how to break this down so bear with me.

Ok #1: xanax

The psychiatrist told me that I should take one every morning, and if I need it, another one in the evening for five days.

On thursday I took one in the morning, started feeling anxious in the evening, took another one, and then started writing this blog. Verdict: It was a good day.

On Friday I took one in the morning, started feeling anxious in the evening, took another one, and had a pretty illuminating and great day.

Saturday (yesterday) I was starting to feel like I am getting a bit dependent and that’s no good. I’ve heard xanax can be addictive, so I decided to tough out the evening. It kind of sucked. It wasn’t as bad as the panic I was feeling without it but I had several anxiety “sneak attacks” and had a hard time falling asleep.

Today I took one in the morning and for some reason I’ve been feeling anxious on and off all day. Today is day five, which means tomorrow I go without.

But the thing is, I’m not at all sure this is about the xanax. I think it’s about optimism.

I’ll try to explain (and again I apologize if I’m a bit less eloquent and organized than usual).

I had no plans today except being at home and working. BAD IDEA. Seriously.

I woke up at 11 and spent about 3 hours trying to make myself get some work done. Then I got a bit of work done, and at 2pm I took the zoloft (that’s the regular hour I’ve been taking it). It made me sleepy. It usually does but this time I was home (and still in my pajamas!) so of course, by 3pm I fell fast asleep and work up at 7. got a bit more work done, cooked dinner for me and the hubby, and that was my day.

Now it’s 1am, I’m still in my pajamas and I feel an incredible sense of frustration. I hate these kinds of days. I need to get out of the freakin’ house!

But I can’t bring myself to do it. Even taking our dog out for a walk probably would have made me feel better. But I don’t know. I just couldn’t.

The worst part of it is that I hate my job. I do have more than enough time in the day to do the job, and take care of my own projects, but something keeps holding me back.

That’s why I went on the pills – in the hopes of finding strength and motivation. My god, I hope I’ll find them soon, because this is getting ridiculous.

A suggestion came up the other day that I volunteer, just as a way to get me out of the house every day. I thought it was an awesome idea.

Immediately I thought of the rape crisis network in my city, because it’s a subject that’s close to my heart. Plus, even though it may not seem this way according to these blog posts, but I am a really good listener. I also really truly get a lot of satisfaction out of helping other people.

So – I call their offices. They tell me that I have to go through four months of training. No problem with me – lord knows I have the time.

One problem though: they only do training once every six months, and this last cycle already started. A week ago. So I will have to wait until june. Urgh.

I told them since it’s only a week that I’ve missed maybe I can catch up. They said they’d look into it and get back to me. I’m really hoping it will work out because seriously, I feel like maybe if I start giving something of myself I will be able to feel full again.

That’s my problem, I feel kind of hopeless and empty. When I feel optimistic I am a motivated go-getter. When I don’t, I’m basically paralyzed. I’m trying to force myself to be optimistic but right now it feels like I don’t have a reason to get out of my pajamas every morning. And “being good to myself” is apparently not a good enough reason for me at this moment.

And that’s just not good.

So – readers, if you’re out there somewhere, give me some ideas – where should I volunteer if the crisis center doesn’t work out? how do I get rid of my chronic procrastination? What’s a good way to make sure I take off those pajamas?

Because I know that this is the key to starting to feel better. I just know it.

Footnote: the good news is that this post has already made me feel better and has motivated me to post another something more. *golf clap*

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