I think I wrote in my previous post that I have flashes of anxiety and I’m trying to combat them with flashes of optimism.
There is one thing and one thing only that makes me feel that these days, and that’s the thought of getting pregnant again.
That’s awful isn’t it?
Seriously – I have to make some serious choices about my career and my future. I still have some medical stuff to sort out before we can start trying again, and let’s not forget the fact that currently I AM A MESS.
So let’s say I get pregnant tomorrow, in my current state I would most likely spend the first three months FREAKING OUT from the fear that I will have another miscarriage. And that’s without the little facts like I still need to quit smoking, our financial situation is still unstable, I’m currently wandering aimlessly through life, etc. etc.
So it’s ridiculous, really. I mean i know that even a week from now things will be much better because I’m taking steps to make them so.
But all I can think about is how I want a baby and I want it now!!!
it’s annoying to me (at least to the logical side of my brain) because I know a baby won’t solve my problems (well, it will solve the “I want a baby” problem). But it certainly won’t solve anything else.
Ok. At least I am aware of that. That’s more than a lot of people.
But it’s seriously starting to drive me a bit nuts.
For your reading pleasure, here is the transcript of the conversation I am currently having with myself:
Me: I want a baby!!!! Now!!!
Me: I know, I do too. But how about working on a bit of stability first?
Me: no no no. baby baby baby!!!!
Me: Calm down. You’re going to the hematologist tomorrow correct?
Me: Baby! ehem, I mean, yes.
Me: Good. And that means that in a few days you will know whether a lack of progesterone is what caused the miscarriages or whether they were a fluke. Correct?
Me: yes. and then I can start peeing on sticks obsessively again and we can start trying and then there’ll be a baby!! baby!!! baby!! yay!!!
Me: Calm down. No. That’s not what’s gonna happen.
Me: Baby!! baby!! baby!!… wait… what did you say?
Me: I said that’s not what’s gonna happen.
Me: Ehem. Says you.
Me: No. Says sanity. Do you want to be pregnant and on xanax?
Me: Ok – so you have to at least wait to see that the zoloft is working and you don’t need xanax. Correct?
Me: *pout* ok. I guess you’re right about that. But that should only take about another week! Yay! then we can baby it up!!!
Me: not necessarily.
Me: You’re really a killjoy, you know?
Me: Oh shut up I’m just being practical.
Me: screw practicality. Babies!!! I want babies!!!
Me: Babies? How about starting with just one…? Ok here’s a question for you:
Me: Does it involve babies?
Me: Ok you’re beating a dead horse with that joke sweetie.
Me: right, yeah. Sorry. You had a question?
Me: yes, I did. My question is, do you want to be a good mommy?
Me: Well, duh.
Me: Ok – and do you think that being a good mommy also entails having a full and satisfying life outside of your mommy-dom?
Me: Well, of course it does.
Me: and are you leading a full and satisfying life right now?
Me: come on, be honest.
Me: ok. I’m not.
Me: so do you not think that you should at least try to handle that first?
Me: But – you can’t expect me to completely make-over my life and only then try again. because really, that could take ages. And sweetie, you know there is such a thing as a biological clock.
Me: Ok – I’ll give you that, we don’t want to wait too long. How about a compromise?
Me: Ok. I’ll have a baby then make over my life.
Me: That’s not a compromise.
Me: Baby! Baby! Baby!
Me: Now stop that you’re getting annoying. I’m talking about a real compromise.
Me: Ok fine. Shoot.
Me: Step one: We go to the specialist and see what – if anything, is wrong with our pipes.
Me: Step two: We balance out with the zoloft, and get to a place where we no longer need the xanax.
Me: Ok. I’m good there.
Me: Step three: We get a little momentum. It doesn’t have to be much. Just enough so that our days are full and relatively satisfying.
Me: But that could take ages!!!
Me: it could. But we could try extra-extra hard and hopefully it will go faster.
Me: we could. But that’s hard!
Me: life’s not easy, sweetheart.
Me: my god, you do like cliche’s don’t you?
Me: stop judging me. Now concentrate. Ok?
Me. Fine. Bossy.
Me: good. So we take steps to get our life on track. They don’t have to be huge. just enough to feel a sense of optimism WITHOUT being pregnant. Just enough to feel “full” again.
Me: You think we can pull that off?
Me: yes. I think we can.
Me: I’m not so sure.
Me: We can do it. Just be a little patient. It may only take a few weeks.
Me: Then we can try for another baby? BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY!
Me: Then we can discuss it again. And stop chanting that’s annoying.
Me: Party pooper.