Chapter 12: Happy pills?

16 Dec

I spend two weeks feeling like a person who’s learning to drive stick but keeps on throwing the clutch.

some background: I basically make my living doing freelance content work. Web, cellular, that kind of stuff. On occasion I try to get a film off the ground, but my self confidence in that area has been shot for quite some time.

So I work from home. This may sound like fun, but trust me – it is not.

The two weeks after the move are spent with me trying to get projects off the ground, procrastinating, not sleeping, watching lots of mindless downloaded programming, having panic attacks, and falling into a detached stupor.

What I wrote above was basically an accurate description of every single day.

10 days ago I had enough.

I’ve been thinking about going on anti-depressants for quite some time. I always resisted. And now I want to have a baby, so how the heck can I even consider it. I barely even take advils. so anti-depressants? Me? Really?

Well, three panic attacks per day and an average of 3 hours of sleep per night are apparently my limit.

That and the fact that I was feeling stuck. Unable to function. Trying to drive a stick and throwing the clutch at every hill.

10 days ago I decided that enough is enough.

I knew I may change my mind in a split second. So I told my husband. I told my best friends. I told my mom. I told my psychologist. I told my brother. Everyone except my dad because he wouldn’t understand.

Luckily my dad is not the blog-reading type.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He just had a cancellation the next day. So on Thursday December 9th I spent an hour in an office describing a decade of anxiety and depression. and the two months of utter hell that I have just been through. He prescribes Lustral – for you americans – AKA Zoloft.

He says it should be safe if I get pregnant. It’s time to stop the suffering. But there’s a catch:

I have an anxiety disorder. And that means that with the pills, it will most likely get worse before it gets better.

I can handle that, right…?

One Response to “Chapter 12: Happy pills?”


  1. What Nadav Taught Me: Live Life « Mommy Odyssey - March 9, 2012

    […] first loss tossed me into a spiral. As I’ve written here before, my brain broke. Even after getting happy pills to address the problem, I still wasn’t the same person. Even medicated, my other identity […]

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