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Chapter 10: Panic

16 Dec

I’ll detach emotionally for a second so I can give a little background. I’ve had anxiety attacks more or less since the age of 17. I also sometimes have long periods of depression.

Usually these things are manageable. I always find a way to crawl out of it. Some therapy – a new project – something always brings me out of it. I always find the strength.

I’ve had panic attacks before, but the week leading up to our move back to haifa brings on Horror attacks. there is no other way to describe it. Sheer terrifying screaming I-am-going-to-die horror.

Don’t worry. It won’t last. Just get through the move. Then things will be better.

I am lost. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I’m going.

I am in a million little pieces.

A mentor and hero of mine suggests I write a love letter to my dead babies. She means that I do it through video – my medium. I am after all a filmmaker, right? Right. Maybe. I don’t know what I am.

So I just write them a love letter. A letter in which I tell them how sorry I am that I am not a whole enough person to keep them in my body.

I am in a million little pieces.

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