When I first started this blog, Shmerson and I set down some very clear ground rules about what he was and wasn’t comfortable with, in terms of my blogging.
With his permission, I am breaking one of these ground rules. And just in time for ICLW! (welcome, newcomers!)
Shmerson has embraced the openness of this blog, so with his permission, and without further ado:
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself! Yay musical intros!
Look, a lot of us don’t talk about it openly, but after a few emails and chats with some of my fellow bloggers, I figured it was time to break this taboo.
Especially in light of some interesting revelations I’ve had in the last couple of weeks.
So, to start, let me give you guys some of my history. I’ll say it bluntly: I was a slut in high school. It was for all the wrong reasons. In hindsight, it was a defense mechanism to over compensate after surviving date rape. But I convinced myself that I loved sex. Even though I secretly hated it.
Around the time I turned 20, I kind of went in the opposite direction. I very rarely had casual sex, and even my more serious relationships were rocky when it came to sex.
This was not only because of trauma, but also about my (then) newly diagnosed “friend”, PCOS. I honestly think that this messed up my sex drive on a lot of levels.
Which brings me back to Shmerson. In the first 6 months of our relationship, when I was still taking BCP (before I realized they were evil evil things) we did it like rabbits. This is the nature of new relationships.
Then, like in every relationship, things tapered down a bit. Then they kind of went to hell. I think this has a bit to do with the fact that I stopped the evil BCP’s and also gained some weight, so my confidence was low, which of course means that my sex drive was low.
Me not feeling good about myself seriously messed up our sex life. And that made me feel even worse. Like I was a bad partner. How could I not have a sex drive? I love Shmerson, and he’s hot. What’s up with me?
I can’t even imagine the insecurities my poor man was feeling. I felt like shit about it for a long time.
Then we got married, and lost the birth control completely. All of the sudden, I wanted to do it, ALL THE TIME.
At the time I thought it was because I felt safe and better about myself now that we were married.
Boy – was that wrong.
Of course, after doing it like rabbits I got preggo REALLY FAST. And just like that – my sex drive was gone again.
Then the Blighted Ovum happened and everything got shot to hell.
I didn’t feel sexy. I barely felt like a woman.
And guess when my sex drive made a comeback?
Two weeks after my first post D&C AF. Right when I got that positive OPK. For three days I was a sex machine.
Then I got preggo again. And miscarried again.
And what was bad before became much much worse.
I had a meltdown, and Shmerson felt completely insecure. He felt like I was no longer attracted to him, and he was afraid that our marriage was nothing more than a way for me to get a baby (he finally confessed this to me about a month ago. I felt like shit when he told me that, because I love him and it was the furthest thing from the truth).
But who could blame the poor guy for feeling like this? His wife had absolutely no sexual desire whatsoever.
And as bad as he felt, I felt even worse. I felt inadequate. As if something was truly seriously wrong with me. I WANTED to want to make love to him. I hated myself for not wanting to.
We’d spent the last few months talking openly about this (something which makes me eternally grateful for having such an amazing husband and having such an open and honest relationship with him). But things only got marginally better. Though I was feeling a bit better about myself, my sex drive was still in neutral.
I figured it was residual insecurities from the MC’s combined with Zoloft, which apparently is not good for the sex drive.
But truly – I had no clue what was going on.
I started talking to a few of my fellow MC bloggers in private about this, and I started seeing a pattern. They all felt the same way, and their sex lives were very similar to me and Shmerson’s. Positive OPK’s + TTC = renewed sex drive. The rest of the time – nada.
(don’t worry ladies, I won’t name names! This is strictly my TMI, though feel free to share in the comments).
Then a few different things happened all at once which finally made me make sense of all of this supposed sexual dysfunction. I’ll list them (because I love making lists!) and then tie them all together. So bare with me.
- Shmerson and I decided not to decide. In other words, we decided it was time to lose the condoms, but that I would not be taking any OPKs or charting. We decided to just take it easy for a few months and see what happens (for those of you who are new to this blog – my problem is recurrent M/C. Fortunately, conception has not been much of an issue for me. For the record, I am immensely thankful for this).
- Courtney posted this very interesting observation on her blog. Basically, she pointed out how science sucks because women only have a limited amount of eggs, whereas men generate new sperm all the time.
- AF showed up, and immediately after the red lady went away, I all of the sudden wanted to have sex ALL OF THE TIME.
- Yesterday Shmerson pointed something out – kind of a continuation of what Courtney was posting about. He pointed out how oftentimes in nature, females seek out the strongest partner to mate with, whereas the males are less picky.
It all comes down to this: us women want to procreate, and there are only a few fertile days for us each month, so we choose our sexy times more carefully, and our brain is basically our biggest sex organ. Men are fertile all the time so they want to procreate all the time.
I think you guys can basically do the math here. Women with fertility issues are even more eager to procreate, but also have the insecurities that come along with said fertility issues. So of course we only truly have a sex drive when we’re trying to make babies! It’s in our nature!
Which is why I am SO FREAKING HAPPY that I’m not charting this month. There’s no stupid science in the way. Who knows when the heck I’ll ovulate? So of course, I want to have sex with Shmerson ALL THE TIME. And I feel sexy all the time. Because I could be ovulating right now. I could ovulate tomorrow, or the day after. Or a week from now. And goshdarn it, I WANT TO MAKE A BABY! I am taking no chances.
It’s doing wonders for our sex life, not to mention our relationship in general. It’s like we’re falling in love all over again.
And the beauty of all of this? Shmerson gets it. He’s embracing it. He understands after our many talks, that my lack of sex drive had nothing to do with him, or my attraction to him.
It was the perfect storm of psychology and biology.
Just like our recent resurgence is the same – only with opposite results.
So – I don’t think I’m ever charting again. Seriously. If we’re having sex every 48 hours or so anyway, we’re bound to hit ovulation eventually in the next few months.
The only way this will change is under doctor’s orders. For now – letting go of that little bit of control is doing wonders for my self esteem, my marriage, and me and Shmerson’s sex life.
And please don’t take this as a “relax and it’ll happen” post. That’s not my point. My point is that I realized that science can sometimes get in the way of nature. And for those of us lucky enough to be able to rely on nature to conceive, I say – screw science!
For those of you out there who don’t need to chart for medical reasons, and are feeling that your sex lives are in a bit of a slump – try it. I really hope it does the same for you. Because trust me, this is awesome. I’m having some of the best sex of my life right now. (I’m sure Shmerson is doing the happy dance while reading this. Hemmo Shmerson! You is my love!)
In the context of the ALI community, I can’t believe I’m writing these next words, but, what the heck:
Yay biology!!! Screw you, modern science and pee-sticks!!