So there’s been a bit of drama going on in Mo-ville over the last couple of weeks.
The big issue was basically some upheaval at work. My job was never in danger, but there needed to be some structural shuffling, and I was NOT happy with the way the winds were blowing.
I’ll spare you the details, because they aren’t important. Things are on the upswing and will most likely be ok.
The big takeaway here is the process I’ve been through over the last week or so (especially the last couple of days), and what it’s taught me.
This last week was basically the first non-baby related, non-personal crisis I’ve had in years. And it made me learn a thing or two about how I deal with crises, and how that needs to change (it also brought on a wave of re-thinking about myself and my goals, but that’s another post for another time).
I am, always have been, and always will be a drama queen. There is no doubt about it.
When something goes wrong, I freak out, I obsess, and I need to do something about it RIGHT NOW OR ELSE.
This is especially true when I’m in a situation I have no control over. This is (revelation time) most likely a big part of my persistence in getting pregnant over and over again until I finally carried to term. It was my way of trying to control a situation beyond my control. I was DOING SOMETHING.
Now don’t get me wrong – I fully stand behind my persistence. After all – it’s what brought Bunny safe and sound into this world.
But that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy approach to life in general. And I need to work on it.
If the work upheaval was a wave, it basically crested yesterday morning. Before that I was anxious and unsteady, waiting to see what would happen. When it was becoming clear yesterday that the tides (look at me and the water metaphors!) were turning in a direction I wasn’t happy with, I freaked the fuck out.
My poor boss, and the poor head of HR bore the brunt of my freak out, though Shmerson and Squish ended up in the crossfire as well.
I was sitting in the office, literally WILLING myself not to quit my job. Until finally it became too hard to sit there. I told my boss I needed to take half a personal day and I walked out. I told Shmerson that he was on Bunny duty indefinitely. I needed some time to myself, and I wasn’t sure when I’d be home.
I immediately bought cigarettes. And carbs. And headed over to Squish’s place (one of the benefits of moving is that now my best friend’s apartment is basically spitting distance – comparatively speaking – from my place).
I cried. I ate the carbs. I left Squish’s place and I smoked. I got home and helped give Bunny a bath. Then I left the house again. And smoked some more. And ate more carbs.
Like I told Shmerson at the time: This was my method of self-destruction to keep me from doing something far more destructive.
The whole experience yesterday was… Weird. It was an “all-me” crisis. It had NOTHING to do with my family, my job as a mother, my husband. This was definitely a novelty. I hadn’t had one of these in literally YEARS. Just the fact that I wanted to be AWAY from Bunny was a first. It was nuts.*
The thing is that even though I didn’t realize it at the time, simply being Bunny’s mother informed the way I behaved and the decisions I made.
It also woke me up to the fact that I need to work on myself to behave differently in the future.
Let me be clear about this: when the fit was hitting the shan, every bone in my body was yelling: QUIT! WALK AWAY NOW! Because I was in a situation over which I had no control, and I avoid those with every fiber of my being.
And if Bunny wasn’t in the picture, chances are that I would have done just that.
And it would have been a mistake of epic proportions.
Don’t get me wrong, I made some epic mistakes yesterday. The crying, the saying stupid shit to my boss and to the head of HR, the smoking, the copious consumption of carbs. But they would have paled in comparison to quitting.
A day later – with some distance, some clarity, some more information, some heartburn, and a nice little cough – the clouds have cleared and I know that the shift that is happening at work will be ok, and that at the end of the day, I will most likely continue to love my job and want to stay there for the long haul.
Being a drama queen is part of what makes me – me. But being Bunny’s mom is another huge part of my life now, and I can’t let the drama overtake the mama.
It’s hard to describe what it was like in my head yesterday. It was like the mother part of me was watching the rest of me and was like: “Dude, what the fuck?”
If I was in a less introspective mood, this post totally could have been written as a conversation with myself.
Luckily, the mama won over the drama. I managed to hold on to a tiny iota of self control, and I didn’t hit the “self-destruct” button. At the time, it was for Bunny’s sake. Now I know it was for mine as well.
Hopefully next time the drama will lose out with less carbs, NO cigarettes, and a much smaller headache for the people around me.
But let’s be honest – I don’t want it to go away completely. It does keep things interesting.
*Quick footnote – what is up with me today and the usage of all caps? The editor in me is pissed. Ahh well.