PPA Part 5 – Day Care

18 Apr

She’s six months old. It’s time.

I packed her clothes and labelled them. I wrote her name on her bottles with a sharpie.

It’s time.

I can’t be with her during the day while I work any more. She’s getting more active. She’s more of a handful. I need to work.

Burning the candle at both ends is becoming unbearable. I haven’t slept properly in weeks.

It’s time.

8am. I stand in the middle of the day care center. She’s in the small crib they’ve designated for her. I stand there next to her. I can’t go.

I start crying.

Great. Now I’m the weird crazy lady in the middle of the day care center crying.

I can’t go.

Crying becomes sobbing.

I’ve  been here for half an hour. I really need to go.

I can’t go.

But I really need to go.

The day care worker gently suggests I leave.

I can’t go.

She suggests I take her and try again another day.

I really have to go. She needs to be here. I have to go.

I go.

The car is parked outside. 8:30am.

9am.

9:15am.

I’ve been sitting in the car for 45 minutes. I really need to go.

But she’s in there. She’s in there without me.

I need to go.

She’s alone.

She’s not alone – she’s there with a lot of other babies.

She’s so quiet, they won’t notice when she needs something.

They will. They’ll notice. She knows how to cry when she really needs something.

They don’t have movement sensors on their cribs.

Fuck. Holy fuck.

It’s getting hard to breathe. I need to go. If I don’t go now I’ll run back in there and take her away from this place.

But they don’t have sensors.

Horrible, awful, unbearable images run through my head.

More than horrible. More than awful. More than unbearable. There are no words for this.

The quiet cry I’ve had going for the last 30 minutes starts to devolve into hysterics.

I put the car in reverse.

I need to pull off the band aid. I need to go.

Luckily home is close.

I drive away from her. Hysterics devolve into screaming in terror.

I park outside our house.

I need to get out of the car and go in the house.

9:30am. I need to go in the house.

I try to calm my breathing. I take a Xan.ax.

Just don’t think about the sensor. Don’t think about the sensor. Go in the house.

10am.

I go in the house.

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9 Responses to “PPA Part 5 – Day Care”

  1. Kathryn April 18, 2014 at 03:38 #

    This is so so powerful, like it just reached out and punched me. I hate to imagine you having dealt with this. So glad you are sharing.

  2. Amy April 18, 2014 at 05:06 #

    Oh, man. Yeah, daycare. It was definitely harder on me than my son. It’s still harder on me, almost 7 months later. He sleeps like crap there, but he’s very happy and well adjusted. He wore a Halo Snuza pretty much 24/7 until he started daycare. That was really hard to let go of.

  3. Courtney April 18, 2014 at 06:06 #

    This post breaks my heart. Daycare is hard enough, but even harder with PPA. I hope it’s gotten a bit easier lately to leave her…

  4. Esperanza April 18, 2014 at 07:17 #

    Oh Mo, I wish this time were different from you. You’ve been through so much, I hope the PPA eases off soon.

    These posts are so very honest, and raw, and so very important. Thank you for sharing them. I know they are doing a lot of women a lot of good.

  5. Heather April 18, 2014 at 13:11 #

    Sending (hugs).

  6. Ms. Future PharmD April 18, 2014 at 17:33 #

    I hope things are getting easier now. Daycare was much harder for me than either of my girls too.

  7. Rachel April 18, 2014 at 17:55 #

    I was just there 3 weeks ago… with my 1 year old, crying in the middle of the room in front of everyone and the other kids… but here we are 3 weeks later and no one cries. Not me, or her, and she really loves it and they give her experiences I can’t. It’s going to be okay.

  8. pjsarecomfyn April 23, 2014 at 00:20 #

    You got yourself through this. It was obviously a horrificly difficult hurdle, but you made it!

  9. Susan St.Pierre May 2, 2014 at 00:41 #

    Oh my. If you have Family Day Care people(in your area), with excellent references, please check them out. A home-like setting with someone who’ll become an “auntie” figure may help. Hugs.

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