The Perfect Storm of Urgh

13 Mar

So. Bunny started day care.

The first day I dropped her off, I literally sat in the car, outside the day care center for AN HOUR AND A HALF crying like a baby. It brought every single anxiety I’ve been feeling to the surface.

I called my brother and he reminded me that my mother not letting us find our independence is a huge reason we’re both a bit messed up.

That thought and a mixture of emotional detachment and xan.ax got me through week one. It was clear that I was the one who needed adjusting. Bunny seemed to like it there. Shmerson (who did the majority of the dropping-off) commented on how he could hear her do her happy squeal as he was leaving.

Yes, she got home exhausted and I felt like I was completely missing out on her. But I knew it would get better.

They also started giving her solids. I’d done a small introduction to them, and I was totally on board with them taking the reigns.

Then – the tummy trouble started. I won’t go into detail – but it wasn’t pretty.

Then – Bunny literally started screaming just at the sight of a bottle and has been refusing food since Monday.

It was a perfect storm – starting solids, she had just finished cutting her first two teeth, some sort of virus which made her throat hurt, and her reflux is definitely worse.

I took her to the doctor on Tuesday. He said I just had to ride it out. He suggested I talk to the gastro specialist about the new eating issues.

I’ve been home with her ever since. Every bottle is a fight. She’s miserable. I’m miserable.

The gastro specialist got back to me today and I missed his call. Once I managed to call him back he didn’t have time to talk and just said we should switch meds. Though I didn’t get a chance to tell him she’s been crying just at the SIGHT of a bottle. But we’ll make the switch and hope for the best.

But in the meantime, she’s losing weight.

AND EVERYTHING IS FLOODING TO THE SURFACE

My mistrust of doctors. I’ve been told before that everything would be fine by a doctor then it wasn’t. I no longer believe everything will be fine.

My guilt at putting Bunny in day care.

My incredible anxiety that something bad will happen to her.

And on and on.

Oh – I’m also blaming the day care for making my baby sick.  Even though I know it’s normal and it happens. I just want to pull  her out of there. It’s a perfectly nice place. I just want her home with me.

It’s a perfectly nice place that I no longer trust because my daughter refuses to eat.

It’s a perfectly nice place that gets to enjoy my daughter for the majority of her awake and energetic day. While I do what – effing internet content? Some days it just doesn’t seem to be worth it.

Logically I know she needs to stay. I just don’t know how the hell I’m going to be able to drop her off on Monday without freaking out and/or calling every 3 minutes.

It’s been a miserable couple of days. I’m seriously afraid that the eating issue and other tummy issues are not just a virus and reflux but something worse. I’ve been avoiding Dr. Google like the plague. I’ve been crying. I’ve been worried. I’ve been anxious.

I hate this. Everything is flooding me. I’m completely overwhelmed with anxiety. And I know this is TERRIBLE  for her. I need to fucking let go and relax.

But she’s not eating. And she’s in pain. And she’s paler than usual and I can tell she’s lost weight. And I feel helpless.

I hate this.

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18 Responses to “The Perfect Storm of Urgh”

  1. Kathryn March 13, 2014 at 21:45 #

    I think, regardless of your history, it’s perfectly normal to feel horribly worried and helpless even when your kid just has the sniffles. That’s being a wonderful mom, wanting your kid not to suffer a thing. And even though Bunny will most likely be ok, I too would feel sick inside knowing my kid is not eating enough! It’s a “basic” thing. So, have compassion on yourself for your worry, but agreed, letting it control you/paralyze you or your life isn’t helpful for either of you. Until then, lots of Bunny cuddles and hope she’s back to her normal self soon.

  2. adventuringintomotherhood March 13, 2014 at 21:49 #

    this just terrifies me. I have every single one of these fears. <3 feeling for ya sista!

  3. Courtney March 13, 2014 at 22:14 #

    It sucks when their tummies change their minds and decide to not function correctly. We went through some issues with Bryson when introducing solids. I had to get creative with the foods I make to get him the things he needed to poop. It was rough, and he wouldn’t nurse well either.

    I’m sorry it’s a total shit show. It will get better, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck right now.

    Feeding issues are, by far, the most stressful of healthy baby issues.

  4. Theresa March 13, 2014 at 22:23 #

    HUGS. Hoping a new med will help with the reflux and you’ll be back on track again soon.

  5. old March 13, 2014 at 22:23 #

    You are a good and normal mom who has walked through terrible times and your reaction to this is NORMAL. As is your lack of complete total faith in doctors who are not gods and cannot predict the future or be perfect.
    Now be as kind to you as you would be to any of the rest of us. HUGELY KIND!
    Then look at a sippy cup with a nipple or straw instead of a bottle. MIGHT work but you will use a sippy cup later anyway.
    TREMENDOUS SYMPATHY. This is Very Hard and you are Doing Magnificently. Honest.

  6. old March 13, 2014 at 22:25 #

    PS: Dehydration is the BIGGEST worry. ER if you think she is showing those signs!

  7. Ms. Future PharmD March 13, 2014 at 22:51 #

    Oh that’s awful. I have had those weeks too. My thought is that long term it gets better. See what solids specifically she ate if you can just in case you can avoid whatever it is until things settle down. We have found food sensitivities that go away in time and also a couple of allergies in our girls (not the very severe no breathing kind but the very serious rash/wheezing/explosive digestive system sort) so it’s out there that that’s the problem. I found that after the first two weeks we hit our rhythm with daycare so hopefully Bunny is back in tip top shape soon so you’re back to just adjusting to daycare. I hope she likes some electrolyte containing drink and you can at least get her drinking something (depending on which digestive issues you’re having this may or may not be a huge thing). I hope things look up from here.

  8. Jennifer March 14, 2014 at 00:36 #

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Going back to work is so, so tough!

    Is there any chance you could stay home longer? Or work fewer hours? I decided to push off returning to work until my daughter was 1 year old, and that worked very well for us. Though I still cried my eyes out at first. Perhaps that’s inevitable.

    I’m sure Bunny will feel better soon. It’s always darkest just before the dawn. But I don’t blame you for not trusting doctors. I don’t really trust them either.

  9. Jillian March 14, 2014 at 01:19 #

    My advice would be to stop solids for a bit and just try the bottle. It’s more important that she get the nutrients from the formula than the little boys of solids she is getting…also kids go on strike with drinking, it’s common, an usually doesn’t last too long…just keep trying but don’t force the bottle…when she is calm and happy, try again and again…even if she takes a little at a time.

  10. Esperanza March 14, 2014 at 04:25 #

    I’m so sorry Bunny’s in pain. Watching your child suffer is agony. I hope she feels better soon, and that you feel better right along with her. Sending love during this anxiety ridden time.

  11. Daryl March 14, 2014 at 05:08 #

    Of course you’re worried and anxious about this. It has to be heart wrenching to see your baby sick and in pain. I hope you can pinpoint the problem (with the help of her doctor or perhaps a second opinion) so it can be resolved, and you can both start to feel better soon!

  12. Kerstin March 14, 2014 at 06:23 #

    My advice for a baby that is refusing to drink: feed her while half asleep. When she is about to wake up after a nap. At nights. I used to sucessfully nurse her only on those occasions during times she was refusing to drink. It is also recommended for bottle feeding, althoug I have no experience in that.
    And that day care thing obviously sucks big time!! Bunny will depend on loving, caring people in her life for several months and years. Dropping her off at daycare doesn’t mean she learns how to be independant. Not yet. But she will learn that apart from her awesome mother and supercool father another person can meet her every needs. I know YOU want to be that person. You still are, just not every hour of the day.

  13. Amanda March 14, 2014 at 07:44 #

    When I stupidly tried to take my son off his reflux meds between 4-6 months old, he began to fight the bottle. I could only get him to eat easily if he was sleepy so I was able yo feed him fine in the mid puddle of the night and usually right before bed. I also had to give daycare tips on how to make him more tolerant of them bottle feeding him. Once we out him back on meds, that also helped. A lot. It will get better. You are doing all the right things, including finding a loving daycare for bunny.

    • Yael March 14, 2014 at 10:16 #

      I’m sorry you are going through a difficult patch–
      my son cried the entire first month at daycare and they asked me to start looking for a new place… by the end of the month he was okay..Now he’s happy though he often still cries when i leave him and i have started avoiding mid-day visits bec they end with him crying..

  14. Rain March 14, 2014 at 21:40 #

    I hope Bunny feels better soon. When Cadet first started going to “school”, we went through some changes too…behavior, schedule, and more bugs (stomach and otherwise) that you can imagine. It is hard to watch your baby in pain, but it will get better! You’re a good mama!

  15. Mrs T March 15, 2014 at 00:40 #

    I’m so sorry Bunny’s been sick! I hope new meds do the trick and once she realizes that bottles and food no longer cause discomfort hopefully she’ll eat like a champ again. If she gets physically better and still resists food because CONTROL, well, you know who to talk to. I’ve got lots of advice (or ass-vice) for you since E resisted foods from the get-go Gentle hugs to you all.

  16. Louisa March 15, 2014 at 23:39 #

    UGH!!!!! What a nightmare! I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s so effin tough when they are so little and can’t tell you what’s wrong and seem so fragile. HUGS this too shall pass.

  17. marwil March 21, 2014 at 15:06 #

    By now, I hope everything has settled and you are all on track again, feeling better. How stressful to see her refuse to eat and being in pain. Poor Bunny. And take care of yourself as well. Hugs

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