9am – Get woken up by Shmerson after working until 2am – reluctantly drag my butt out of bed.
10am – Leave to run errands.
10:30am – Buy Bunny a few new clothes because most of her stuff is very winter, and days are gradually getting warmer.
11:15 am – Buy Bunny her first high chair.
11:45- Buy a blender stick to make baby food.
12:30 – Grocery shopping. Contemplate store bought rice cereal vs homemade.
1:30pm – Arrive home, give Bunny her bottle.
2:00pm – Shmerson starts putting together the high chair.
2:00pm – I finally – a month after she’s outgrown them – pack up all of Bunny’s 0-3 clothes. Decide that while I’m at it I should probably put together her day care bag, because she’s starting in two days.
2:30pm – stare in wonder at the onesies that Bunny once drowned in and now don’t fit her any more.
4:00pm – Finish everything. Decide we should take some family pictures.
4:15pm – Send Shmerson to sleep and decide that even though it’s late, we should try out the high chair and our fourth day of our first solid food – sweet potato.
4:30pm – realize this was a huge mistake, because Bunny is grumpy and tired. Give up, clean up.
4:45pm – Give Bunny a teething ring because she’s in pain. Two teeth coming in at the same time. Bunny falls asleep in my arms.
5:15pm – Bottle. We need bigger bottles because she’s starting to need more and when I put in the formula it literally touches the cover. It’s becoming harder to mix.
6:00pm – Bunny’s in pain. Spend an hour keeping her calm.
7:00pm – Let her play. She rolls over twice in her play gym.
8:00pm – Bedtime ritual. I decide to let Shmerson handle it. Don’t know why – but I need a night off.
9:00pm – Shmerson and I eat dinner and watch an oscar nominated movie
1:00am – I’m late with the dream feed because of the movie (that needed to be paused too often). Bunny wakes up because of it. I feel guilty but let it go – I’m getting better at that.
I give her her bottle, singing her our usual bedtime medley to keep her in sleep mode:
Easy by Faith No More
Ironic by Alanis Morissette
Hey Jude by the Beatles
Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen
and finish off with her favorite – Let it Be.
(Yes I know it’s an eclectic mix)
She polishes off the bottle. I put her in her crib but don’t want to stay. Shmerson goes in and makes sure she falls back asleep.
2:20am : I lose it. My baby girl is six months old this week. She starts day care in two days. She’s growing teeth. She’s learning how to eat solids. Time is speeding by. Too fast. I don’t want day care to start. I remember all the reasons we need to do it. But I don’t want it any more.
2:30am: Realize I spent most of the day emotionally detached because holy crap – this is too much at once. I know this is all fun and exciting stuff. But this is it – this is the first time I truly start to let my baby girl grow, and be independent.
This is it. She’s too big. I can’t stay at home with her any more. I need to work. I need a sane schedule. No – WE need a sane schedule.
I’m so excited to see the person she’s growing up to be. But I’m already starting to miss things that just aren’t there any more.
I heard someone say this the other day (will find who and cite it soon):
Joy is grief turned inside out.*
Yep. Pretty much.
This was my Friday.
3:30am – I publish this post and wonder how the hell I’ll fall asleep tonight, and how to deal with tomorrow morning’s puffy, cried-out eyes.
Joy is grief turned inside out.
* I heard this quoted by author Jennifer Senior. The person who originally said it was psychiatrist George Valiant