Nope.

26 Aug

So yeah. Nothing.

Nada.

Zero.

Zip.

Zilch.

 

Even Braxton Hicks stopped showing up a couple of days ago. The bastard.

39 weeks tomorrow.  And trust me when I tell you I am NOT fun to be around right now.

Guys – I’m going nuts. I know, I know, any day now and all that junk. Thinking that it’s close is NOT HELPING.

Every freaking minute feels like FOREVER right now. I’m so over this. Seriously.

I’m seriously losing my mind. On Friday I had a “feeling” that it would happen on Sunday. So I spent all of Saturday finishing up every trace of work I had. Then it didn’t happen Sunday. And now I’m bored and pissed because it didn’t happen and I don’t have any work to distract me.

So I want to email my boss and tell him to give me a new assignment. But the thought that I will most likely have time to do that assignment depresses me to no end. It’s like if I don’t have any work to do, maybe it will happen today. Of course that’s wrong and stupid.

When we thought I’d be getting the cerclage out on August 20th, I was saying confidently that I had a “feeling” that I’ll be giving birth on the 27th. That’s tomorrow. I just know I’m going to be spending all day tomorrow on the couch crying.

I can’t cook more than just enough for one meal. The prospect of “I’ll be eating this tomorrow” makes me downright despondent. That means I’m giving in to one more day of this endless wait.

I can’t make plans for a day in advance. All I can think about is “Maybe today will finally be the day.” My mom wants to come over on Wednesday and take me out for a pedicure. The thought that I’ll still be stuck on my freaking couch waiting on Wednesday is depressing to no end.

And it’s too freaking hot out to do anything either. So all the “keep yourself busy and distracted” advice is doing nothing but annoying me even more.

It’s the worst limbo ever.

I mean, I’ve had some hard days during this pregnancy. I think these last few days have by far been the hardest. The anticipation and anxiety are killing me.

On Wednesday my acupuncturist came over and did the induction thing. I had cramping for a couple of hours after – then nothing.

He came over again yesterday, and again today – we’re doing the mega-induction treatment now – the one that is 4 sessions. Every day until this Wednesday. It’s not cheap, and I don’t know if it will even work, but I can’t NOT try, if that makes any sense.

Of course Shmerson and I have also been doing everything else possible to get this thing going, from taking walks to awkward mega-pregnant sex.

On Thursday the high-risk OB said he doesn’t see a reason for medical induction at all. I know this is generally good news, but I admit a small part of me was a bit disappointed.

Right now as far as he’s concerned I’m coming in for one last appointment at the clinic this Thursday, then starting at 40 weeks, it’s check-ups at L&D until I either go into labor naturally or they decide it’s time to induce. To quote him – “like any normal pregnant woman”.

I know I should be happy about this on some level, but OMG – the thought of this dragging on to 40 weeks and beyond is enough to make me want to cry. On the other hand, I can’t even fathom asking for a C-Section or an induction. Both of those options are terrible. So I have to wait it out. And wait some more. And some more.

Yesterday Shmerson remarked that it wasn’t too long ago that we were wishing to make it as far as 24 weeks. Now we’re almost 39 weeks. I know I should be grateful. I’m just so sick and tired and anxious.

I just want this behind me already. I want to know what’s next.

I need her here, safe.

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32 Responses to “Nope.”

  1. theyellowblanket August 26, 2013 at 15:58 #

    I remember running into a very pregnant friend, running around the park, stuffing a taco bell taco in her face, crying. She told me she had just gotten done with sex + taco bell taco + crying, and figured she’d try a new variation to get her boy to come out. There’s that whole list (which I’m sure you’re familiar with) of things to do to get baby to come: Sex, spicy food, walking/running, using your pump every 20 minutes to get contractions going, acupuncture (which it sounds like you’re on top of), and probably a few other things I’m not aware of. I’ll be thinking of you, Mo. Good luck!

  2. psychsarah August 26, 2013 at 16:15 #

    I know there’s nothing but empty platitudes to really say, so I won’t go there. You’ve heard it, or said it to yourself a million times no doubt. Wishing you peace and some comfort.

  3. Kathryn August 26, 2013 at 16:23 #

    Personally, I think all the “start labor” techniques are a sham. I did them all and nothing helped. I think they’re a great way to occupy time though. I totally get a bit of how you were feeling. When I was 2 days away from being 42 weeks I just lost it. Totally lost it, and I had a healthy pregnancy with very little fears, nothing like what you have been through, not at all. And even I was a basket case by that time. One thing that did help, at least for the day ,was my doula told me to do something that I REALLY loved. For me, that was doing something creative. So, I built a couple of fairy houses. Weird I know. But just letting yourself do something that totally makes you happy. If you can, do it. It didn’t send me in to labor but I did feel a little bit better inside.
    B5 is so happy and healthy inside of you. So safe and warm and cozy. I know you want B5 to be safe and warm and cozy in your arms. And that’s going to happen. So soon. I know you want to be put in a medically induced coma until that happens to just speed the time through. It totally doesn’t help that you’ve been a prisoner in your own home for most of your pregnancy. I’d say, snuggle in and watch some movies but oh wait, YOU DID THAT FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. WORST IDEA EVER.
    I’m sorry this is a tough spot for you right now. I will try to activate my “speed up time” button here in Texas and see if it can make it’s way across the ocean to you…

    • Kathryn August 26, 2013 at 16:43 #

      oh, and I think this is the time where we call in a favor and ask the Tardis to come rescue you :)

      • Mo August 26, 2013 at 17:24 #

        Yes!

  4. A. August 26, 2013 at 16:25 #

    I don’t want to steer you the wrong way since it is such an individual choice and I can’t predict how it would go, but you could ask to be induced at your next appointment if you are at least showing signs of progressing. I was induced at 37w5d with Naama because when I went for my 37 week appointment my OB said she felt I was getting close after checking me and she always offers her patients who have had a late loss the option of induction for emotional reasons – the idea being that obviously the last few weeks bring a huge amount of anxiety as does the the unpredictability of labor and for someone who has had so little control over her reproductive history, having a medically managed labor and delivery and deciding when it is going to happen can be empowering and positive. So, we went along with that. I couldn’t have an epi because of my bleeding disorder but I had an easy and gentle go of it- within 5 minutes of my OB inserting the prostaglandin gel I started contracting every 2 minutes. It took me a long time to reach 4cm, but then my water was broken by my OB at 4cm and I went from 4-10cm in 2 hours, pushed for 10 minutes. I never needed pitocin so it wasn’t much of an induction after all. My L&D nurse told me that I would have the labor of a second timer even though the twins were so much smaller and she was right – the only thing that was different was the pushing (and I tore like a first timer). I don’t know if this is the reply you’re looking for, but at this point I think it reasonable to really push your OB about the possibility of induction for emotional reasons. I know it is en vogue to be vehemently anti-induction without a strong medical indication (though you could argue that your emotional well-being IS a medical indication) so I just wanted to present a different perspective from the norm. However your labor plays out, I hope it will go smoothly and quickly and bring you a healthy babe!

    • Mo August 26, 2013 at 17:25 #

      First off- you had the baby! Congrats!!! I think you make a good point. I’m just so terrified of a c section I’m afraid to go there. But I just might if this goes on much longer.

  5. Amy August 26, 2013 at 16:44 #

    Oh, Mo. I hate how horribly this is sucking for you right now. I know you’re grateful to be here, please try not to beat yourself up for wanting it all to be over and to be holding her already. Just like all the times you were able to be happy for someone else’s pregnancy announcement and yet terribly sad for yourself, it is perfectly okay to be both grateful to be where you are now and to also hate it with the burning fire of a billion suns. And I hate that even knowing it’s okay to hate it doesn’t help it suck any less right now. I hope you are surprised by labor any second now…big, big hugs. Abiding with you as you wait; may the remaining time be very brief!

  6. Courtney August 26, 2013 at 17:23 #

    Get the pedicure with your mom! At the very least, it’s something to do. ;)

    Hang in there. This sucks, because its the longest pregnancy ever when you add in all the time it took to get here. I swear, my first pregnancy lasted 3 years and felt like it, because it took that long to get a baby.

    • Mo August 26, 2013 at 17:24 #

      Yep. 3.5 years and counting. Longest pregnancy ever.

  7. nelipotting August 26, 2013 at 17:38 #

    While I don’t think that any of these labor inducing tricks actually works… they were absolutely a life saver for me. I felt like I had some control, or like there was something I could do. Just like you said, I couldn’t NOT do it. My favorites were all the different things to try and eat, because it would keep me busy all day, looking for recipes, shopping for ingredients and then cooking all day… which I love to cook, so that probably helped. Plus I’m a huge emotional eater, so it was feeding that need as well. LOL. And the upswing was, I found the best ginger snap recipe in the history of the world. They have cayenne pepper in them and they are amazing! I still make them all the time, and I still call them “labor cookies” even though they didn’t work. :) I’m sorry this is such a rough time for you! I hope you can find a way to get through it, and I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for some real labor already!!!

  8. pjsarecomfyn August 26, 2013 at 17:49 #

    Is there like a 10 season tv show you can get engrossed in that you have never seen? Because I would recommend that! Preferably something that has nothing to do with pregnancy at all…..like maybe American Pickers or Hoarders or something like that….they don’t have 10 seasons though….I know the last little bit is the worst! And everyone keeps checking in on you which doesn’t help either.

    I think the best thing you can do is to plan like it is still weeks away, ask for more work, cook waaayyy too much food, and make the house a complete mess, then you are sure to go into labor at the most inopportune time. Trick the shit out of your body. Make her think it is inconvenient and she will be like ‘let’s do this!’

  9. AK. August 26, 2013 at 18:02 #

    Dammit, this was not the post I wanted to see! I’m starting to go crazy waiting for your baby. <3 my Shmersons. Hang in there, you're so close! Fingers crossed for a healthy little girl this week.

  10. kel24 August 26, 2013 at 18:20 #

    Oh Mo sweetie, I feel you on this. I don’t have the history of loss that you have so I can imagine that makes it that much harder.
    My first I went to 42 wks before I was induced and he was a c section (because when my water broke before labor started his head and neck turned transverse.) I went to almost 41 wks with my second (a girl), but I had a successful VBAC after a foley bulb induction, no Pitocon or Cervadil or anything. My third I finally went into labor on my own and had him at 40 wks 2 days after a 3.5 hour labor and delivery and a few pushes and he was my biggest!

    Do whatever you can to stay sane these last few weeks and maybe look into the foley bulb induction if you don’t want to have meds or be hooked up to IV’s. basically they blow up a small balloon to dilate the cervix, mine took me to 4cm, fell out on it’s own and started labor.

    Thinking of you these last few weeks, hopefully only days! :)

  11. Ms. Future PharmD August 26, 2013 at 18:23 #

    I found that calculus worked to start labor (as in, I was in school and stopped putting off my homework and lo and behold, actual labor) so you could try that? I really like the idea of doing something you really like to keep yourself busy. I made a friend a baby blanket to match my kid’s blanket between week 39 and when she was born at 41+3 (my kid’s took the first 25 weeks…). Can you freeze extra food if you cook too much? Or cook things you can’t eat now to freeze for after B5 makes her appearance? That helped me too, the staying busy cooking and shopping for ingredients and all that jazz.

    Sending peaceful thoughts for you as you wait. Liminal spaces are hard but important in my experience.

  12. RelaxedNoMore August 26, 2013 at 19:56 #

    Sending some effective-labor-inducing thoughts yor way, along with a big hug!

  13. Erin August 26, 2013 at 19:57 #

    Hang in there! If it’s any consolation, I had lunch with my 39-weeks pregnant friend last week and she was saying she didn’t feel like it was going to happen any time soon. Then BOOM two days later – she had the baby. You never know!

  14. Louisa August 26, 2013 at 20:05 #

    Ugh…so friggin painful. I guess I would try to make some plan– for short outing, a little shopping at a book store, or out to a pool for swim? I got nothing I know I’m sorry you are going through this and hope she arrives soon.

  15. L August 26, 2013 at 22:45 #

    Something you may find useful: http://haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com/

  16. L August 26, 2013 at 23:02 #

    You are normal to be crazy because you have walked the crazy path to get here.
    Crossing my eyes and holding the best thoughts on your behalf!
    Keep writing and breathing.

  17. Newmom August 27, 2013 at 00:24 #

    I know I’ve written this to you before..but I did have a c-section (well an emergency one so they did cut a little bigger etc.) And the recovery isn’t so bad as long as you walk a little bit every day. Even if it’s like 5 steps every few hours. Just a tip! It hurts, it’s not fun, but I’m guessing neither is labor (I wouldn’t know! ha) Don’t be afraid of a c-section! I was terrified of one and then it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. A plus side to c-sections is a nice round baby’s head! I say make the plans for Wednesday with your Mom, I bet Wednesday rolls around and you have to cancel! That’s how my life would happen lol.

    I’ll pray for some real labor pains to start!

    • Mo August 27, 2013 at 00:26 #

      Thanks hon. I think I needed to hear (read?) that again.

  18. Erin August 27, 2013 at 00:55 #

    I second the comment that a c-section isn’t bad at all… and having done both ways I prefer a c-section. Not only because I think the recovery was pretty easy but also because it allowed me to plan and gave me just a very different experience than my vaginal delivery which was good for me. I totally get why you want to avoid it if possible, just if it comes to that is really isn’t so bad at all.

    As for getting B5 out of there, I had a few friends who were close and ready for it to be over who did official eviction notices for their babies. The ones who half assed it was funny but not effective. Kid you not, the ones that really went overboard with the “eviction notices,” all 3 went in to labor within 24 hours. And it making the eviction notice may take up some of the time/distract you. Sending you many many contracting thoughts your way, and not those pesky Braxton Hicks kind!

  19. Kerstin August 27, 2013 at 07:06 #

    I totally understand why c-sections freak you out. I felt the same. I had to have one (scheduled) and now the thought of labour freaks me out. C-sections? Not so much. It is really really safe for your baby (as safe as labour, I read the statistics and got on my doctor’s nerves to be as informed as possible), it is the mother who carries (minor) risks. That information helped me a lot. I could handle the risks for myself, but not for my girl.
    As newmom said: it’s not fun and it hurts for a few days, but if it might come to it, it is as good a way to introduce B5 into this world than the v-route. And maybe she would like spending her first hour on Shmerson’s naked breasts? (Thats how they do it in Germany.) Sounds like a good place to start a life!

  20. Lise August 27, 2013 at 09:01 #

    Time to come out B5!

    And I second what others said about c-sections, mine wasn’t bad at all (and it was an emergency c-section) and our baby girl spent some precious hours on her dads chest when I was in recovery. And sure it hurt a bit afterwards, but I was honestly not in more pain than after the laparoscopy I had with my second ectopic. And she had a beautiful head, prettiest baby in the hospital (ok, maybe I’m not the best judge if that) ;)

    But it will not come to that, B5 should be here soon! I tried everything to start labour (walks, sex, raspberry leaf tea, pineapple, nipple stimulation) and well, she was born on her due date, so at least not late…but I didn’t feel a thing until labour started for real, the day before I had a “long” walk (it was probably 2 kilometers, but felt like a marathon) and I didn’t even have contractions.

  21. Keisha August 27, 2013 at 16:06 #

    A nice warm bath put me into labor. I stood up in the tub, and real contractions started immediately. So there’s that. Hugs, lady. I hope it happens for you really soon.

  22. Kathy August 27, 2013 at 16:34 #

    The unknown wait time is so hard. It could be any time. I suggest trying to keep busy in between appointments. Sign up for pedicures and any anything else you can do – your toes will be so cute once you can see them again.

  23. SRB August 27, 2013 at 18:23 #

    Gosh! I’m wishing this was over for so many reasons, chief among them a screeching B5 and a more peaceful mama. SOOOOOOOOOON! I swear. It will FEEL like an eternity though, and that blows. I think of you guys every day and am just giddy. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

  24. nelipotting August 27, 2013 at 19:04 #

    Hope this makes you smile… Best depiction of the last few weeks of pregnancy that I’ve ever seen. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApDvj6WqYOw

    • Mo August 27, 2013 at 19:11 #

      Lmfao! Totally forgot about that scene! Love scrubs. Thanks for that :-)

  25. Yael August 28, 2013 at 12:43 #

    my high risk ob said she wouldn’t let me go past 40 weeks with gestational diabetes…just saying that could be your induction ticket… with my first I gave birth 2 days before the due date –hang in there –it can’t be that much longer

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  1. Bullets and Bunnies – Eviction Notice Edition | Mommy Odyssey - August 30, 2013

    […] got that pedicure. I’ve also shaved my legs (THAT was a challenge). My bottom half is officially presentable. […]

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