It’s a Start

8 Jul

Yesterday was an obscenely bad day.

It started when I walked into my psychiatrist’s office. He looked me up and down, noticed the protruding belly that hasn’t gone down by much since we lost Nadav, and he promptly asked me how far along I was.

In the moment, I took it in stride, and told him that no, in fact I wasn’t pregnant, and I was having problems ovulating because of my weight.

He apologized profusely for his lack of tact, and explained that it wasn’t just the leftover bump, but also the fact that he knew we were trying again. Then he gave me free drugs, probably out of guilt. But hey, at least I got free drugs.

I left his office, still calm and collected, and headed over to my cousin’s for our weekly diet meeting. I lost less than a pound this week, and considering that I’m basically in diet hell, I was not particularly happy with that result.

Then I got home, let my morning sink in fully, and proceeded to lose my shit.

So much so that I said terrible things to Shmerson – about wanting to hurt myself. Or be put away somewhere where they would just sedate me forever. It was not pretty.

Tonight we went out on a date and I proceeded to get completely shitfaced on half a bottle of Cava. That did make me feel a bit better.

Then as I sobered up I sank back into my funk, until I got an email with this:

Thank you, Nisha.

Getting this today of all days was a bit of a wake up call. It’s so easy for me to feel alone. Even with Shmerson being as amazing as he is. Even with my family and friends IRL constantly checking up on me. It’s amazing how easily I can forget the love and support I have. Especially from you guys – having it from you – all of you that come here every day, that comment here, or email, or tweet- it does amazing things.

To be reminded that there are so many of you who care is enough to help me get my ass in gear.

I haven’t used this space properly in quite a while, and it’s time I bring it back to where it was. I think that by making myself come here more I may just get back to working on some healing.

The fact is that I can’t get motivated to do anything these days, but even on days like today I feel compelled to come here and to write. And that’s as good a start as any, right?

That’s where you come in. I need you guys to help me focus.

I want you all to give me some homework. I want you to give me things to write about that you would like to read.

Is there something that I used to do in this space that you miss and would like to see me do again? Is there anything about my personal life that I’ve only hinted at and you’d like to read more about? Is there anything that you’re curious to know about me? Seriously – ask me anything.

Lay it on me – give me some prompts.

It’s time to get into some major writing therapy.

As always, thank you. Thank you all for being my soft place to fall. I am and forever will be grateful to every single one of you.

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26 Responses to “It’s a Start”

  1. me0me July 8, 2012 at 02:18 #

    A few posts ago you wrote about a lot of changes in your thinking that had been going on for a couple of weeks – I’d love to read more about that in processed written out form :)

  2. SRB July 8, 2012 at 02:24 #

    I have always wanted to know more about your films, and what your dream filmmaking project would be. :)

  3. Jenn July 8, 2012 at 03:45 #

    I’ve gotten asked a few times when am I due and I hate having to explain, not pg just leftover baby weight from losing twins and then having 2 more losses. Free is always good, my dr I think feels bad whenever she sees me that she gives me whatever free samples she has.

  4. missohkay July 8, 2012 at 05:31 #

    I’d like to hear more about living in Israel. Anything about that, really, but I found it particularly interesting when you’ve given us snippets about cultural differences in how things like abortion and loss are perceived.

    • Stinky Weaselteats July 9, 2012 at 11:36 #

      This ^. was just reading on Cornfed Feminist blog about how women’s names change once they have a child. I know very little about that part of the world and its always good to expand the old cultural awarenesses whether they’re observed as someone new to them, or reflections on how things sit with you as an individual

    • daysofserenity July 10, 2012 at 18:36 #

      I agree, more about living in Israel and the differences you’ve noticed

  5. marwil July 8, 2012 at 12:35 #

    I second me0me’s comment about the changes you mentioned, curious about that. Other than that anything that help you through this time, writing it all down can be powerful as you already now. And if you want, share the diet and your journey with the changes you have done with foods, it might help both yourself and some of your readers.
    Thinking of you.

  6. Jay July 8, 2012 at 16:24 #

    I’d be very interested to hear about life in Isarel. Not related to what you asked, but do you like to read? In the most saddest times in my life (and otherwise also), the one thing which has just helped is tumbling into somebody else’s life,for a little bit, via a book. Escapist fiction rocks. A blog book club may not be a bad idea.

  7. Theresa July 8, 2012 at 18:31 #

    Oh man, talk about an “open mouth, insert foot” moment.

    I’d have to say that I’d like to read about something that makes/made you laugh. Like full out belly laugh.

  8. Kristen G. July 8, 2012 at 19:03 #

    I really liked your advice column. :)
    And sorry you had such a bad day. Big hugs…

  9. K.Smitty July 8, 2012 at 20:38 #

    I am sorry too that you had such a rough day. That totally sucks! I second everything everyone else said about what you should write about. In addition, I LOVE hearing stories about how couples met, decided to get married, and about their weddings. That stuff always makes me turn into instant mush! So do pictures, if you’re willing to share!

  10. flowergirl July 8, 2012 at 20:48 #

    oh yes, the advice column, start that up again, plus bullets and bunnies once a week, that’s two posts done without thinking about it. Plus, I think a post a week on the diet/exercise hell should be good, as I think that may help you too.

    FG x

  11. MissConception July 8, 2012 at 21:28 #

    I know things can be hard still. I am almost at 9 months since my twins were lost and it still hits me like a ton of bricks. You have every right to take the emotion as it comes. I think writing is one of the only things that has actually helped me move through this pain. I would like to hear about living in Israel as an infertile please~!

  12. Courtney July 8, 2012 at 23:08 #

    I forgot about your advice posts. Those were fun! I always enjoy the bunnies too!

    I like when you write about things you’ve learned through your losses and experiences in general. You are so great at articulating your thoughts – and those posts always resonated with me. It’s like you were speaking for me. You’re a wonderful voice for all of us!

  13. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) July 8, 2012 at 23:35 #

    What kind of diet plan are you following? It might not be just cutting back on calories but maybe, perhaps, possibly the food that you are eating? Dieting is evil, plain and simple. Its the hell that I try to avoid but always get sucked back into.

  14. Marie July 9, 2012 at 04:19 #

    Advice column for sure. Film reviews. (Not just new films, either. Shit I can watch on Netflix.) Stories from your younger, slutty, RHPS days. Whole posts dedicated to how awesome I am ;)

  15. l July 9, 2012 at 04:42 #

    Isreal why and what is good about living there. Books you like. Diet plan and what helps you stay with it. Even the weather because it is different from where I am.
    40 years later it still is great sadness, it changes expression but grieve your grief as it is happening. A new baby in your arms will not remove the grief, but it changes things. Do not expect yourself to be more than human.

  16. Emily @ablanket2keep July 9, 2012 at 07:24 #

    Ditto on everything everyone else said. I came after the advice column so I would be interested in seeing that. And I want to hear about Mo as a kid!

  17. Stinky Weaselteats July 9, 2012 at 11:39 #

    Ouch *bitch slaps Mo’s psychiatrist*.

    Agreeing with everyone else, of course. Have you posted about how you and Shmerson met – the great love story?!!

    *adds cushions*

  18. pjsarecomfyn July 9, 2012 at 21:33 #

    Big hugs to you my dear.

    I remember you saying something about writing a new movie script…..if my memory is not making stuff up that is. So what are some of your ideas?

  19. @ErinMarshall71 July 10, 2012 at 01:14 #

    I must say that Jason is no stranger to the freaking out phone call. Sometimes, all I need is for him to listen to me rant, and threaten, and rail against whatever it is that is bothering me; and then he speaks, and he doesn’t have to say anything in particular, and he grounds me.
    I’m glad you got an email with that photo and it helped you find a bit of peace and hope.

  20. Sunny July 10, 2012 at 21:53 #

    Oh Mo….I am so so sorry you are going through all of this…The fucked up irony that this insensitive comment was made by a psychiatrist is not lost on me. He’s supposed to be HELPING your mental health! As for stories, I love love love hearing about “firsts”–first smoke, first kiss, first “time”, first alcohol, first love, anything experienced for the first time makes for a very interesting story!

  21. Daryl July 11, 2012 at 02:22 #

    You could write your grocery list here, and I would read it. Because I’m sure you would put a spin on it that is uniquely you. The writing helps, the actual process of writing, but knowing someone else is reading it and nodding their head is just as powerful, I think.

  22. St. Elsewhere July 11, 2012 at 07:49 #

    That picture is stunning – keep that one close.

    I love Daryl’s prompt.

    Here’s your promptflood:

    – If someone emptied your purse, what all would they find in there?

    – What’s your favourite food?

    – If you could star in a Hollywood movie, what role would you like to play and why?

    – What’s that bit of housework that you really abhor?

  23. jaclyn July 11, 2012 at 17:18 #

    Hugs I’m so sorry you are in this funk! I wish I could help you get out of this feeling!! XOXOXO

  24. LisaB July 11, 2012 at 20:29 #

    I love the other suggestions! Thinking of you and sending love and hugs xoxoxo

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