Thank you everyone for your supportive comments on my last post. A couple of people mentioned that their readers haven’t been updating since I moved to the new address. Sorry if that’s happening. Please do update your linkage to mommyodyssey.com just in case!
I’m doing a lot better. Mostly hella-distracted because I’m drowning in work, but that’s a good thing. I’m already feeling guilty for being a bad ICLWer. But hopefully the weekend will make me be better.
Tomorrow I’m going to get a tattoo for Nadav. Yesterday was one month since we lost him.
I spent the day working outside the house and I wasn’t sad. I was just… Busy.
And I got something like 10 calls from people making sure I was ok. And I was, I really was.
I was also ok today. I spent most of the day painting the closet doors and the box holding the blinds in our bedroom, and then putting on decals. The end result was pretty freaking fabulous:
The pics are crappy iPhone pics, but I think you get the idea. I haz made a pretty, I haz a happy.
I’ve been thinking a lot about something my dad said, and I mentioned here a few posts back. Nadav’s birthday will never be his original due date. It will always be February 21st, 2012. Even if he had made it to term, chances are that he wouldn’t have come on his exact due date, so in fact, June 22nd has become a somewhat arbitrary date on the calendar. I keep on trying to “prepare” myself for that day, but really, I’m not sure if it’s necessary.
His birthday was, and always will be February 21st.
I think that measuring this loss in terms of dates just feels wrong to me. I can’t just be sad every 21st of the month. Just like I can’t be sad every Tuesday because we lost him on a Tuesday. Just like I may not feel sad on June 22nd (though if I am, that’s ok).
I should just be sad when I want to be sad, and let myself be happy when I want to be happy.
I’m going to get the tattoo tomorrow not because it’s a special date, but because I just want to have it, and I wanted Shmerson to come with me, and he doesn’t work tomorrow.
And either I’ll be sad tomorrow or I’ll be happy. And that’s ok.
Here’s the bottom line: My son was on this earth for 22 and a half weeks. And he managed to pull off some pretty awesome stuff as a result of his short time here. I think celebrating the awesome is getting easier. As is getting through the grief.
I don’t feel guilty for being happy, because HE made that happen.
And I can’t wait for my new awesome tattoo to commemorate my awesome son. So maybe I’ll celebrate tomorrow. And maybe I’ll cry for a while too.
I think I’ll be ok with either. Or maybe both.