Please Don’t Hate Me

16 Jan

Ok, first thing’s first: Thank you everyone for your feedback on my last post. I posted a status that night (which basically ended up being a hybrid of all three suggestions) and it was amazing to get an such an outpouring of joy and congratulatory gushing. It made me feel normal for a few minutes, which was nice.

Now back to the post at hand.

*Warning: Pregnancy complaints ahead, please feel free to skip if you’re not in a good place right now.

Going on week three of bed rest, and today was just lovely – cramping, spotting, and to top it all off a killer sinus headache. I have become a zombie holed up in a blanket fort. I’m not liking this one bit.

I spend almost all day every day worrying. Most couples would be shopping for strollers, or at least feeling confident enough to go to a maternity store by now. Something.

Not me. I’m stuck in bed in an anti social haze.

And I’ve realized something. There have been a few BFPs in the blogosphere this week, and when usually these announcements either had me slightly jealous or absolutely ecstatic, I now find myself feeling SORRY for them. I just think, “oh crap, they’ve got a hard nine months ahead, poor things.”

Guys, I’m sorry – but I hate being pregnant. I despise it. Every day I’m either on bed rest, feeling sick, or just worried that something will go terribly wrong.

Pregnancy is not unicorns and rainbows, it’s a means to an end. And right now the only thing keeping me relatively sane is trying to visualize our little baby boy.

But that also makes me attached, and worried. And therefore even more miserable.

That’s why I’ve barely been blogging. All I can wrap my head around is just how freaking miserable this whole situation is.

Go ahead, curse me and hate me for saying it. It’s ok, I already pretty much hate myself for feeling it.

Urgh. (Hopefully) 22 weeks to go. (Please please please stay in there shmaby boy).

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31 Responses to “Please Don’t Hate Me”

  1. me0me January 16, 2012 at 21:23 #

    It makes a lot of sense to me that that’s what you’re going through – pregnancy is such an unignorable state… it’s not like you can just stop thinking about it really. You just have to try your best and distract yourself – and that’s pretty crazy to do for nine months!
    Try to be forgiving to yourself. You’ve had such an incredibly rough couple of years, all these fears that are coming up all the time are really natural, regardless of how “lucky” you are that you’re this far in- you’ll be really lucky, and appreciative, and probably getting around to living and becoming a good mom and all that good stuff – when you do have your baby boy in your hands. In the meantime, please stop feeling guilty about everything…! If it was anyone else that you truly care about, you would never want them to feel this bad even if you weren’t pregnant and they were. I’m sure of it. <3

  2. TJNEL1 January 16, 2012 at 21:29 #

    Nope it’s true. I HATED being pregnant with my son. I know that sounds awful but I was so sick I had to get written out on disability and eventually ended up being fired because of it. Because I could not stop throwing up. In the past 5 months I’ve gotten pregnant twice and each time I was SO sick and SO scared and SO miserable. Just because you want it more than anything in the world doesn’t mean you have to like it. Like you said, it’s a means to an end. I was NEVER one of those perky pregnant people with a cute belly. I was sick, tired and fat. I had hopes that it would be different If I were to get pregnant again. But it wasn’t. In fact it was worse because I had the added
    miscarriage stress. And i gained 10lbd with each cycle. So Now im just fat! I’m sorry things aren’t going easily. That sucks. You
    start to wonder when the hell all this crap
    will let up. Eventually it will. Until then? Well I HOPE it gets better. But I won’t make any promises or blow sunshine your way. =)

  3. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row January 16, 2012 at 21:40 #

    Like I told you privately, please don’t apologize for being unhappy in this state. Who in their right mind wants to be on bed rest (ok, I do, but that’s because I’m lazy!) and nauseous and nervous and headachey? If you posted, “Omg, I can’t eat sushi and my size 6’s are tight!” I’d hurt you. But other than that, you are going through a lot and your are allowed to be uncomfortable! Wishing I could come entertain you….xoxo

  4. missohkay January 16, 2012 at 21:51 #

    Dude, pregnancy after loss is terrifying. Complaining about that (as opposed to “uh, I’m so mad my ass is getting bigger”) is AOK. Do what you have to do to get to the finish line with your sanity intact :)

  5. RelaxedNoMore January 16, 2012 at 22:02 #

    Hey, Mo, don’t you dare hate yourself!
    You’ve had a terribly hard time getting to where you are, with so much pain going on. And now you’re having a difficult pregnancy. I can’t even imagine having to keep bedrest for so long, worrying not only about your own health but also about the health of the little being growing inside of you.
    Continuing to keep fingers and toes crossed for you and your Shmaby boy!
    Hugs!

  6. Heather January 16, 2012 at 22:08 #

    Could never hate you. Thinking of you and hoping and praying that little one stays safe inside. Hope the bed rest nears its end.
    don’t hate me but I’m having a relatively trouble free pregnancy and I’m loving it….

  7. embracingtherain January 16, 2012 at 22:44 #

    (((hugs))) You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that things get a little easier for you soon.

  8. Indertile Days January 17, 2012 at 01:02 #

    nope, i don’t hate you… i think most of us would feel about the same way you do if we were in your position, and it must be extremely difficult to try and stay positive when all these negative things keep happening to you. if you think about it, nobody ever actually expects all the bad stuff to happen, but it does. i look at some pregnant women looking so happy and wonderful and loving being pregnant and i wonder if that ever could be me if i did get pregnant. sometimes i am not sure if its even a good thing getting pregnant, because then there’s 9 months of worrying and stress ahead. at least now, i kind of get mini breaks between cycles.
    i really really hope everything works out for you.

  9. chon January 17, 2012 at 01:30 #

    you know my feelings on this!!! you have had a shocking run but even those that haven’t, well let’s just say when we are infertile we tend to glorify pregnancy but the reality is, it isn’t that glorious. It’s not bad but it isn’t as you said unicorns and rainbows. Especially when like me your hormones have gone crazy you look like a pizza face and your body explodes! And when you start growing a beard it is pretty soul destroying.

  10. Kristen January 17, 2012 at 03:01 #

    It’s OK to hate being pregnant. Pregnancy is not the goal, a baby is. And it’s weird, if women have trouble TTC they generally feel like they aren’t allowed to have normal feelings about pregnancy (eg they have to LOVE it, there are no other options).
    I thought pregnancy would be great…it was something I really wanted to experience but although I try to stay positive about it I pretty much hate it too. And you’ve had it scarier than I have so I’m sure you hate it more! But yeah, between the fear and the serious physical discomfort, it pretty much sucks.
    Feeling the babies moving around has been the only cool part and has made me hate it (pregnancy) less…
    Hang in there!!!!
    XOXO

  11. slcurwin January 17, 2012 at 04:39 #

    You can hate being pregnant all you want, we’re not going to take it badly. You know that it’s all worth it to get your little man but that doesn’t make it a great experience for you, especially when there are complications more than just paranioa. Even if we get jealous, you need to let it out sometimes. When the (hopefully) day comes that we’re in the same position, we’re going to need your support too and it’s the good with the bad.

    We love and we’re here for you.

  12. Daryl January 17, 2012 at 07:13 #

    If “ignorance is bliss,” then worry is the exact opposite. And you have every right to worry after all you’ve been through. I do hope the physical part gets easier and bed rest comes to an end soon. But even if it doesn’t, what’s 9 months of misery compared to a lifetime of being a mom? (Sorry, was that too unicorns-and-rainbow-y?)

  13. Advo.cat January 17, 2012 at 07:42 #

    I echo the above comments that there’s a difference between complaining about pregnancy after loss and ignorant fertile complaining about tiny things. I just wrote a whole post expressing my annoyance with the latter, so trust me when I say you’re not upsetting us.

  14. babycrazykiwi January 17, 2012 at 10:33 #

    Isn’t it terrible what infertility or loss does to us?!!! Its not fair that you have to spend what should be one of the most blessed times in your life so full of worry and concern. Its not right! I can’t begin to imagine what bedrest such as yours would be like. I know I’d be awful at it! Thinking of you lots and hope things pick up soon.

  15. jjiraffe January 17, 2012 at 11:14 #

    Mo, if I could, I’d get on the first plane to Israel, stocked with DVDs of bad reality shows and movies for you to watch. The best crap TV for me when I was on bed rest was something about shallow single girls in the big city. Something that had NO pregnancy plot lines. I think I saw all the Gilmore Girls episode except the last season. It’s OK for you to have lots of different ways to feel about your pregnancy. We’re here for you, regardless.

  16. Flowergirl (@Flowergirl_15) January 17, 2012 at 12:02 #

    Stop hating yourself, and don’t worry about us. You have been through a stinky time, and just when you thought life would start acting like it does in the fairy tale books that those smug fertiles are actually living, it doesn’t and you have ended up in bed rest with an unbelievable amount of stress.

    Perhaps you need to blog more to get rid of the boredom hours? Or at least find something else to do, that doesn’t involve much in the way of movement. Ideas that come to me are to do some puzzle books, catch up on those people who you have neglected with phone calls, do a face mask, paint your nails, I don’t know, anything really, but do something.

    Hoping for the best for you.

  17. marwil January 17, 2012 at 13:30 #

    Who wouldn’t be miserable with feeling like a zombie on bed rest? How you describe it makes perfect sense and you are not less thankful for coming this far because of not liking it. It’s how it is and I’m sorry for that. Just hoping it will ease up a bit so you can feel better and more confident soon.

  18. Amy January 17, 2012 at 16:14 #

    Agreed, almost entirely. I am certainly not glowing, unless you count the light reflecting off the giant disgusting zits that keep popping up on my jawline. I think your reaction and assessment of the suckitude is perfectly reasonable. Frankly, it would be weird if you were all, hey this is AWESOME! Because it IS terrifying, and stressful, and bed rest? Ugh. Sounds awesome when I just don’t want to get out of bed some days, but in reality I’m sure it is nothing but frustrating and an opportunity to stew in the worry, which is perfectly natural to have after what we’ve been through. I really hope your next 22 weeks give you more relief than stress!

  19. bodegabliss January 17, 2012 at 19:04 #

    What they said! ;-) You know how I feel about this, it makes perfect sense why you’re feeling like you are! I’d be surprised if you weren’t.

    I’m guessing the spotting would have to do with the surgery, yes?

  20. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) January 17, 2012 at 22:56 #

    I’ve said more than once to my spouse, “I wish I could get pregnant, stay pregnant long enough for a healthy take home baby but sleep through the entire pregnancy!”.

    I’ve heard how difficult it can be with all the stress, the inevitable cold or pregnancy rhinitis, yeast infections, gestational diabetes, hormone surges that leave you sweating or freakishly cold, and the laundry list goes on.

    Nope I just want to sleep through the pregnancy when I get pregnant from IVF later this month. Yes, I’m quite hopeful that IVF #2 will be the one. It has to be. Oh and with my fibromyalgia I think I might just sleep through the pregnancy too.

    So I totally get that you aren’t the unicorn and rainbows prego.

  21. slowmamma January 18, 2012 at 03:22 #

    I’m right there with you. I am now 23 weeks and still waiting to feel good. Add in the anxiety and it’s difficult to take any other approach besides: “are we there yet?”

    I agree with jjiraffe. Focus on the distractions! Bad tv, books, movies, shopping, whatever senseless activities help you to pass the time and at least occasionally forget that this actually sort of sucks. And then we can celebrate at the finish line!!!!!!!!!

  22. Jem January 18, 2012 at 19:47 #

    Pregnancy after IF usually means feeling guilty. I feel guilty for LOVING being pregnant and am afraid to blog about it too much for fear my readers will hate me. Go figure! Can’t win.

    Just know that there’s no hate out there, just love.

  23. Courtney January 18, 2012 at 22:58 #

    I had to do bedrest for just two days after each IVF transfer – and I hated it and complained the whole time. I can’t imagine being on REAL bedrest like what you’re doing. You have not had it easy, and it sounds like there is a lot to worry about on top of your normal RPL fears. Don’t apologize and don’t hate yourself. Very few of us get easy, fun pregnancies. Yours is especially difficult. Be kind to yourself! And don’t let anyone tell you that worrying is a waste of time. Sure there’s nothing you can do about what you’re worrying about, but only robots are able to not have that emotion!

  24. Nobabiesyet January 19, 2012 at 01:16 #

    Hang in there and I don’t think you ever have to apologize for your feelings. You are on a new journey now that is scarier than the one before so it is totally understood and expected that you would have these feelings. Hope it gets better for you and you find moments of joy.

  25. Libby January 19, 2012 at 02:24 #

    I think one of the big secrets women who are TTC don’t know is just how much being pregnant sucks. I have several friends who were like “I wanted this” when they finally got knocked up. So, know you are not alone… Keep your head up.

  26. Emily @ablanket2keep January 19, 2012 at 03:23 #

    I would never hate you for complaining or hating being pregnant and pleas don’t hate yourself! You have been through and are still going through a lot. Some people hate it some people love it. Either way it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is you have a beautiful little miracle growing inside you! Hang in there! Hugz!

  27. Irene January 19, 2012 at 13:52 #

    I so understand where you are coming from!! I’m not liking pregnancy at all either and I’m also feeling guilty about it because of all those years of infertility. But I’m trying to be kind to myself about it – I can’t help feeling down because I’m just so sick and there is no way to be positive about spending every day with your head in the toilet. And what you are dealing with and have been dealing with is so much worse. You have no reason to hate yourself while you have every reason to hate being pregnant. It is as you say a means to an end. I wish you all the best!!

  28. Erin January 20, 2012 at 04:54 #

    Pregnancy blows. The most rabid of the “infertility” bloggers out there will tell you to relish every wave of nausea and will resent you for not doing so, but that’s just preposterous. Regardless of how long you’ve been trying to get pregnant or how difficult the journey to this place has been, being pregnant is still god awful. Best wishes to you. I hope it gets better soon.

  29. teejay January 20, 2012 at 23:11 #

    I don’t think anyone that knows you or anyone that has spent time reading your blog thinks of you any less for how you are feeling right now. It’s scary being pregnant. I knew I was pregnant for only a few days but the fear was almost crippling. Especially when I knew somehting was probably wrong. It’s a feeling of fear but also a feeling of helplessness. There’s not much that we can do except hold on tight for this ride and and hope with everything we have that everything will turn out ok. Sending you big bear hugs across the ocean and I wish we could play a “real” game of scrabble together while you are on bedrest. Always thinking of you.

  30. Port of Indecision January 26, 2012 at 06:39 #

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard pregnancy :(

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